Today, I discovered that my mother uses my eyebrow tweezers to pull ticks off the dog. She also hasn’t figured out that just dipping the tweezers in alcohol doesn’t automatically sterilize them. Especially if there is icky dog hair still stuck on. FML
Today, I was talking to an ex who I still love. He told me how much he wanted to see me, how much he missed me, and we started talking about when we could spend the day at his house. I mentioned Saturday, and he said, “I can’t, I have to take my fiancée to the doctor’s to find out our baby’s sex.” FML.
Today, I was using my fiance’s phone to look up movie times for us. In the internet browser, I found history of him looking on Craigslist for “discrete intimate relationships with women” in our city. We are expecting our little boy in two months. FML
Today, while preparing the house for company, I got a call that my sister had a heart attack and died. My wife’s response? “Great! Now you’re going to be no help to me at all!” FML
Today, I got fired from my job as a postman, which I started yesterday. They fired me because I failed to deliver a bunch of papers to a road that no longer exists. FML
Today, I dropped my physics class because I thought I bombed the 50% second midterm test. I got my results an hour after dropping online. I finished with an 83. I can’t get back into the course. FML
Today, I was babysitting. Being kind, I went to grab their mail, while their 4 year old ate lunch. He locked me out, wrecked the house, and let me in right when he saw their car two hours later. I didn’t get paid. I paid them. FML
Today, I finally jumped high enough to dunk on the ten foot rim. I caught my tooth on the net and proceeded to nearly pull my tooth out. FML
Today, while at the mall with my boyfriend, I suddenly fell to the floor screaming because something in my boot bit me. It was a scorpion. My boyfriend is now giving me the silent treatment because I embarrassed him in public. FML
Today, I left my car in a disreputable area. After picking it up later on, I heard a strange “clonking” sound. The clonking suddenly stopped when my wheel fell off; someone had stolen my wheel nuts. FML
