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Today, I finally scored a goal in a soccer game. Too bad it was in our own net. FML
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Today, I confronted my boss to find out why I was denied a promotion that she promised to me. Her response? “You should know by now I’m a liar. Not my fault if you believe the things I say.” FML
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Today, a friend was put on suicide watch when her parents wouldn’t pay $500 for a premium senior picture package. FML
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Today, I was at Starbucks getting my usual morning coffee. When the barista asked me what name I wanted on the cup, I said ‘Primrose Everdeen’ for a laugh. When they called out my order, a stranger yelled, “I volunteer as tribute”, walked up to the counter, took my coffee, and left. FML
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Today, I have to defend my client in court. The defense that my client wants me to use is, “It’s not a robbery if you have swag” and then goes on saying, “The judge is bound to let me go after he sees my swag.” FML
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Today, I decided to treat myself to a pedicure ahead of my cousin’s wedding. The woman doing my nails asked it I wanted my toe hairs trimmed. I was so taken aback and embarrassed that I said yes. They charged me extra. FML
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Today, I was out on a family walk, when I overheard two women talking to each other. One of them was wondering how a kid with such good looking parents and grandparents could be so ugly. That kid is my daughter. FML
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Today, my mom took me to a bar to cheer me up after being dumped. Two cute guys around my age kept looking over at us the whole night. When I told my mom, she said she was going to get them to come talk to me. Instead, she ended up leaving with both of them. FML
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Today, I e-mailed the on-line instructor for my job, telling her that I had fallen behind in my work due to my grandmother’s passing and the subsequent funeral arrangements, but that I would catch up this week. Her reply? “OK. Hope your grandmother gets better soon.” FML
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Today, I awoke from a dream that I’d found an Arco gas station that had regular gas for $3.38. I actually went looking for it. FML
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Today I returned home after a semester at university. I guess I did too good a job of getting into shape as my parents phoned the police, thinking I was a burglar. FML
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Today, for the fourth time this week, I witnessed my mother dancing around the house naked. Apparently, she is loosening up her “inner nudist” and isn’t planning on stopping any time soon. FML
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Today, due to my allergies I can’t stop sneezing. It wouldn’t be so bad if it wasn’t for my hemorrhoids making each sneeze feel like I’m getting a cactus shoved up my ass. FML
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