Today, one of my dorm-mates started laughing at a bra hanging to dry in our bathroom. She thought it was hilarious that a college student would still have “such small, baby tits.” It was my bra. FML
Today, I had to make a doctor’s appointment for my daughter. Apparently she thought it would be better to wipe herself with Clorox tough scrub disinfecting wipes than tell me she’d caught an STD. FML
Today, my roommate did his laundry. Unfortunately, he didn’t check his pockets before he washed them. There’s now sticky, melted gum all over the washer and I’m left to clean it up. FML
Today, my girlfriend woefully admitted that she thinks of me more as a brother than as a boyfriend, all while I was still inside her. FML
Today, a truck rear-ended my car and drove off. I could see everything from my office, everything except his license plate. FML
Today, my mother-in-law asked if she could move in with us. FML
Today, I tried to open a can with a potato peeler. For a minute I forgot what a can opener looked like. FML
Today, I found out that due to the fact that I got divorced, the insurance for my car is going up. A year after she took everything, she is still costing me money. FML
Today, I discovered that when the man living in the house behind me thinks no one in the surrounding area is home, he likes to take his laundry off the line wearing nothing but a pair of sandals. FML
Today, I had to work late. I missed the last bus so I called a cab. That was 3 hours ago. I called my dad for a ride. That was 2 hours ago. I guess I’m sleeping under my desk tonight. FML
Today, I made a drunken bet with friends that I could pour lighter fluid on my hands, light it, and shake it out before I got burned. I lost. FML
Today, I admitted my fear of small spaces to my boyfriend. His response was to immediately lock me in the hall closet. FML
Today, I was apparently tired enough to spray silly string under my armpits rather than deodorant. FML