FML Today

oh.geez says FML

admin — Sun, 05 Feb 2012 15:39:25 +0000

Today, my fiancé has decided to become my cat’s personal trainer. This includes talking to the cat, attempting to motivate him to run up and down the stairs and telling the cat to call him “Coach Daddy”. I now have a crazy fiancé and a very angry cat. FML

dreefsa says FML

admin — Sun, 05 Feb 2012 15:39:18 +0000

Today, some guy hit my car and then threatened to sue me for “parking my car in such a way that it was impossible not to hit it.” My car was in the driveway. FML

anonymous says FML

admin — Sun, 05 Feb 2012 13:18:45 +0000

Today, I texted my wife saying “I miss you so much. I wish you were her.” I’m on a business trip. I couldn’t hit cancel in time. FML

inked says FML

admin — Sun, 05 Feb 2012 13:18:36 +0000

Today, I showed off my new tattoo to my friends. Too bad it says “Walk Earless” now instead of “Walk Fearless.” That’s right, I’m now supporting Van Gogh. FML

wetdreams says FML

admin — Sun, 05 Feb 2012 08:36:27 +0000

Today, was the 5th night I’ve dreamed of brushing my teeth. I wake up about 3 times a night because as I spit in my dream, I actually spit on my face as I’m sleeping. FML

twiggy24 says FML

admin — Sun, 05 Feb 2012 08:36:22 +0000

Today, I learned that my “cash back rewards” for credit card purchases are mailed with the monthly statement. The same monthly statement that goes straight into the shredder or fireplace because I prefer to do my banking online. FML

dasnich says FML

admin — Sun, 05 Feb 2012 08:36:17 +0000

Today, after a 12 week dry spell followed by an 8 week one, I decided to take a bit more initiative at seducing my girlfriend. Not only was she “not in the mood” again, but she offered me Trident Layers gum instead. She apparently thought that it was a fair trade. FML

me says FML

admin — Sun, 05 Feb 2012 01:49:57 +0000

Today, my husband and I worked together on a very difficult yard project. Afterwards, I thanked him and offered him a special treat. He was disappointed to find I meant sex, not cookies. FML

Courtney says FML

admin — Sun, 05 Feb 2012 01:49:51 +0000

Today, I tried to inconspicuously hock a loogie. It went down my bra. FML

Arp says FML

admin — Sun, 05 Feb 2012 01:49:45 +0000

Today, I got an early Valentine’s day card. My boyfriend and I recently broke up, and my hopes shot up thinking it might be from him. It wasn’t. It was from my parents. FML

ac-hoo says FML

admin — Sat, 04 Feb 2012 19:07:11 +0000

Today, the man of my dreams kissed me. It was everything I had imagined it would be until in the middle of the kiss, he burped. FML

DarkDolly says FML

admin — Sat, 04 Feb 2012 19:07:05 +0000

Today, at around 2am, I was walking through a parking lot to my car when a man walking behind me told me not to be scared. I turned around to tell him there was no problem. He was naked. FML

lrgenesis says FML

admin — Sat, 04 Feb 2012 16:51:57 +0000

Today, my mom friended all my friends on Facebook then thought it’d be a good idea to try and act like a teen so she’d be considered ‘cool’. FML

mattttbob says FML

admin — Sat, 04 Feb 2012 16:51:52 +0000

Today, I realised my girlfriend only has sex with me to make me exercise. FML

WayTooMuchFacebook says FML

admin — Sat, 04 Feb 2012 12:20:33 +0000

Today, I read some funny scribbelings on wall in the bathroom stall. My first instinct was to “Like” it. FML

Jayde says FML

admin — Sat, 04 Feb 2012 12:20:29 +0000

Today, I received a single, handmade valentines card from the weirdest kid in the school. It said, “If you ever get mauled by a bear, I hope he doesn’t damage your face.” FML

foxyreegan says FML

admin — Sat, 04 Feb 2012 12:20:22 +0000

Today, I choked on my saliva during a medical interview. FML

B says FML

admin — Sat, 04 Feb 2012 05:30:04 +0000

Today, my wife screamed at me, calling me a “useless, ungrateful piece of crap”, all because I wouldn’t have sex with her, despite hours of her nagging. I said no because I’ve been laid-up in bed for the past week waiting on surgery for an excruciatingly painful hernia. FML

lauren says FML

admin — Sat, 04 Feb 2012 05:30:00 +0000

Today, I had to go to an extended family baseball game. At one point during the game, my grandpa halted play, because I was “probably cheating.” As the self-appointed umpire, he decided that detaching his prosthetic leg and making me bat with it would be more fun to watch. FML

Anonymous says FML

admin — Sat, 04 Feb 2012 05:29:54 +0000

Today, I argued with my girlfriend over her constantly wasting our money on acupuncture. She said if I could prove it was baloney, she would stop. After I showed her copious amounts of scientific proof debunking it as pseudo-science, she told me we’re “taking a break” from our relationship. FML