How to Write FML

Purpose: Ever read through FML posts and think to yourself, “Gee, I wish I was clever enough to portray my life stories in such an ironic and humorous taste!” Well stop right there, cause you’ve found all you need!  The stories that you read everyday on FML can be broken down into simplified patterns that we will help you master with quick and easy steps.  Choose a pattern below to get started…

Cry Wolf Pattern
This pattern makes use of the fundamentals found in the famous Aesop fable The Boy Who Cried Wolf.  It usually involves two people.  One of the people has some unbelievable news that is actually true and has a big impact on either one or both of the character’s lives.  The other character receiving the news does not believe it.  Hilarity, or tragedy ensues.
Examples
"Today, my boyfriend called me in the middle of the night and told me he got mugged and was on his way to the hospital. I told him to fuck off because that was a horrible April Fool’s joke. He asked if I wanted to talk to the paramedic. I told him to stop bothering me. Turns out it was true. FML"

"Today, I told my husband I was pregnant. He laughed and said, “April Fools, right?” then left the room, still laughing like it was the dumbest thing ever. Tomorrow’s April Fools day. I really am pregnant. FML"

Pride Irony Pattern
This pattern involves one character building up their pride at the cost of offending another person or party.  The proud character then learns something about the other party which causes he / she to feel remorse, embarassment, or foolish.
Examples
"Today, I was playing in a basketball game and blocked this kid’s shot. I was really pumped up about it until I realized the kid had cerebral palsy and the coach put him on the team because he really wanted to be on at least one team in his life. FML"

"Today, I was taking the bus home from work. As I was getting off an old man whistled at me, I told him to go to hell and got off the bus. When the bus drove away the old man stood in the back of the bus, holding up the wallet I left that he was trying to give to me. FML"

Murphy’s Law Pattern
This pattern uses the basis of Murphy’s Law which states "Anything that can go wrong will go wrong, at the wrong time". A character will usually attempt to prove some theory, at which point something goes wrong which totally proves the theory false.
Examples
"Today, my parents came to visit me at the ranch I work at. They’re scared to death of horses, but I was explaining how they are almost completely harmless. I was showing them how to work around the horse without getting kicked. As they relaxed, the horse kicked me. I now have a broken leg. FML"

"Today, I was swimming in the ocean, not too far off shore. I had asked my mom to come in, but she was afraid of the water because fish had nipped at her toes or something back in the day. I told her there was nothing to fear. I ended up getting stung in the balls by a Jelly fish. FML"

Lasting Impression Pattern
Somebody desperately tries to impress somebody they feel attracted to, but in their desperate attempt to look suave or cool, they overestimate their own ability and find themselves in the middle of an incredibly humiliating situation.
Examples

"Today, I had a really cute waitress at lunch. I decided to leave my number and a $50 bill for a $15 check. When I left the restaurant I realized I still had the $50 but a $1 bill was missing from my wallet. I’ve been getting threatening text messages all day. FML"

"Today, I went to buy beer underage for a party to impress a girl. I picked up the case of beer and went to the cashier, he ran it through without asking for ID. I left the store with a smirk on my face. I arrived at the party and showed the case to the girl. It was non-alcoholic. FML"

Poetic Injustice Pattern
This pattern involves one character accusing something of another character, or wishing something to happen to the person – to find out that it was actually them that did it, or what they wished to happen occured to them, instead.
Example

"Today I screamed at my friend that I hope they trip down the stairs and become amnestic. Instead, it happened to me. FML"

Not Like The Other Pattern
This pattern involves two or more socially or politically separate groups.  The character of one such group goes about some activity where they are mistaken by another character to be a part of a different group.  The character is insulted to be classified as part of the other group.
Examples

"Today, I went to a club and my friends and I went up on the stage, then the security told me to get down and said the stage was only for girls. I’m 23. I’m a girl. FML"

"Today, I found my concert tickets that I’ve been trying to find for the last 2 weeks in my mom’s closet. When I asked why she had them, she said she felt the concert was inappropriate for me so she hid them. I’m 20. FML"

Goalie Pattern
This pattern usually ends up with a comical situation. It deals with someone desperately trying to reach a goal, and when they do reach it (usually with some struggle or effort), something occurs which renders reaching that goal useless.
Examples

"Today I desperately needed to get to the gas station to get some gas. I barely made it with the car stuttering and the gas light on. But then, as I got out of the car I realized I forgot my wallet at home. FML"