Today, I read some funny scribbelings on wall in the bathroom stall. My first instinct was to “Like” it. FML
Today, I received a single, handmade valentines card from the weirdest kid in the school. It said, “If you ever get mauled by a bear, I hope he doesn’t damage your face.” FML
Today, I choked on my saliva during a medical interview. FML
Today, my wife screamed at me, calling me a “useless, ungrateful piece of crap”, all because I wouldn’t have sex with her, despite hours of her nagging. I said no because I’ve been laid-up in bed for the past week waiting on surgery for an excruciatingly painful hernia. FML
Today, I had to go to an extended family baseball game. At one point during the game, my grandpa halted play, because I was “probably cheating.” As the self-appointed umpire, he decided that detaching his prosthetic leg and making me bat with it would be more fun to watch. FML
Today, I argued with my girlfriend over her constantly wasting our money on acupuncture. She said if I could prove it was baloney, she would stop. After I showed her copious amounts of scientific proof debunking it as pseudo-science, she told me we’re “taking a break” from our relationship. FML
Today, I got a date for Valentine’s Day. The date is with my orthodontist; he’s going to tighten my braces. FML
Today, trying to pocket a little extra cash for himself, my dad responded to multiple babysitting ads on Craigslist, accepting them all on my behalf. I despise children with all my heart. FML
Today, I woke up to one of my hamsters cannibalizing the other. FML
Today, I went tanning. When I got home, I realized I’d left my engagement ring next to the tanning bed. I went back to get it. It wasn’t there. FML
Today, the pervert in my computer class asked me if I “mowed my lawn.” Not knowing this was a vaguely sexual term, I replied, “No, my dad does.” FML
Today, I came home from work and went into the bathroom. I saw a poo on the toilet lid, and thinking it was a trick toy that my son had got to trick me, I picked it up. It wasn’t a toy. FML
Today, my dad killed my pet rats. They were playing on the sofa, and he thought they were vermin. This would have been understandable if the reason he came over wasn’t to meet them, and they hadn’t been wearing bright pink walking harnesses. FML
Today, I had to change my mobile number because I was getting abused by a guy, so I sent my new number to all of the people on my contact list. Including him. FML
Today, I was using a restroom when I heard someone sneeze. I said, “Bless you.” It happened again about three times, so I repeated myself each time. I then noticed it was an automatic air freshener. FML