Today, after making out with my girlfriend for the first time, I took down my pants only to have her say,’ Eww, what’re those drooping sacks? They look like tumours.’ She was serious. FML
Today, my girlfriend begged me to stay up late and video chat with her because she missed me. Even though I work early mornings, I reluctantly agreed. After waiting up until 2am for her to get online, I gave up. She had fallen asleep. FML
Today, I had to go to counselling as my mother thinks I have an eating disorder. All because I didn’t want to eat the crap supermarket lasagna she bought for $2. FML
Today, while on my run, I saw a middle-aged man sleeping near a business condo. I approached him and asked if he was “ok.” He grabbed my leg, held onto it with a death-grip, and moped about how horrible his life was – for ten minutes. At least the weather was nice. FML
Today, at work, I was talking to a customer. She kept shaking her head “no” at everything I said. I asked what she was disagreeing with. She told me she has Parkinson’s Disease, teared up, and asked to speak to my manager. FML
Today, my boyfriend proposed. He said we’d go pick up the ring tomorrow. Then he asked to borrow $40 to get it out of pawn. He pawned it when his ex gave it back to him. FML
Today, I had one of those “Honk if you like _____” bumper stickers. I was texting on my cell phone when I heard some honking. I was thinking how fun the bumper sticker was, when I realized I was going the wrong way on a one way street. FML
Today, my parents went out. I stayed home and vacuumed, dusted, and scrubbed to surprise them. They came home and yelled at me because it “isn’t my job.” FML
Today, my live-in girlfriend and I broke up. She told me she can’t leave because she has nowhere to go. I’m stuck with her until she finds a job and an apartment. FML
Today, I was taking a shower when I got soap in my eyes. I grabbed a washcloth by the sink and rubbed it in my eye. It had been soaking in bleach. FML