Today, the block my house is on is blocked off my 8 cop cars, and I can’t get to my house. I have to wait a block away until they leave. I have a huge project that makes or breaks my grade that needs to be sent in. FML
Today, I got a separation agreement from my wife. It was sent from the lawyer she spent the long weekend with right before she told me it was over. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I were having sex for the first time when my 4 year old sister walked in. She thought we were making a dog pile, so just as soon as my boyfriend was about to finish, she jumped on his back. FML
Today, I received an anonymous letter telling me that I smell bad, and suggesting that I wear more deodorant. Apparently my BO is so bad that someone feels the need to stalk me to point it out. FML
Today, I was giving my boyfriend head. I got a little too enthusiastic during it, and wound up cracking my neck loudly, and had to stop while the pain settled down. FML
Today, I was talking with my friend, and he asked me what I thought of a girl that goes to my school. I responded, “She’s a giant cow.” He then told me that he recently asked her out. She said yes. FML
Today, I was waiting to speak to a customer service salesman in a store. To pass time, I was playing with a rubber band. The rubber band shot off and hit the salesman smack in the face. FML
Today, I set the date for my wedding. My fiancé then informed me that his family won’t bother to show up because it’s too far to drive and gas is expensive. The wedding is in 2 years. FML
Today, I found out that I’m a dad. My ex from 8 years ago contacted me through facebook. I’m happy I have a kid, but apparently she only contacted me because she wants me to start paying child support, now her boyfriend who provided for them left. FML
Today, after dancing with a hot guy at a bar, we walked along the beach and fooled around. After a couple of failed attempts at getting it up, he tried to have sex with me with a completely limp penis. FML