Today, I found out that it’s possible to be too nice. I tried to progress my relationship with a girl by sending flowers. It made her realize that I’m perfect, just not for her, and that she wouldn’t be able to give me enough in return. The flowers had the opposite effect of what I had planned. FML
Today, a 70 year old guy started hitting on me at work, and said I had a “nice back end” and a “nice front trunk.” FML
Today, I came to the conclusion that waterproof band-aids are probably not meant for your face. I realized this when I ripped half of my eyebrow off. FML
Today, my friends threw balloons filled with piss at me as a “late birthday present.” FML
Today, the only thing I like going to my job for is the satisfying bowel movement I usually have on my lunch break. At least I’m really regular. FML
Today, it’s my 20th birthday! Happy birthday to me! My boyfriend threw a beer can through my back wind-shield after breaking up with me. Couldn’t be better, right? FML
Today, I requested two hours off for tomorrow afternoon. My supervisor and manager called me into the office to talk to me about how important it is to be in the office as much as possible. A little later, my supervisor told me that for budgeting reasons, I have to take 3 non-paid days off. FML
Today, I spent ages cooking a really nice dinner for my family. My lazy brother’s only contribution was to peel the carrots. The dinner was delicious, but did I get any thanks? No, all that was spoken about was how well the carrots were peeled. FML
Today, my brother randomly told me that unless he’s wearing underwear, his jungle of pubic hair would get caught in his zipper. Thanks for the lovely visual. FML
Today, I didn’t realize until I was home that I’d thrown my retainer away with my tray at Chick-fil-A. FML