Posts Tagged ‘after-having’

Today, I finally felt well enough to take an actual shower after having surgery on my back. It took five minutes to stand up, ten minutes to get to the shower, and another ten minutes to get in. The pilot light went out in less than five minutes. FML

Today, after having a fight with my boyfriend, we had what I thought to be the best make-up sex, because he seemed so happy and upbeat. Turns out he misunderstood. He was happy because he thought it was break-up sex. FML

Today, after having been gone for six days, I’ve confirmed my suspicions that I’m the only one in my family who does any of the chores. All the dishes were dirty and everyone was confined to using plastic silverware and paper plates. Not only do I help pay rent, buy food, and help out on the farm, but apparently I’m also the maid. FML

Today, after having sex with my boyfriend, he proceeded to play with and name my boobs. Complete with a full skit where “Maxie” killed “Nathanial.” FML

Today, after having a pretty serious operation on the back of my skull, I was violently throwing up in the toilet. Luckily I had my mum who’s a nurse holding my hair back for me. She then managed to slam the toilet seat down onto the back of my head. FML

Today, this guy who I’ve been having strong feelings for, decides to talk about this girl who he just met. He thinks she’s really cool and he wants to see how this thing goes. He was talking about this while we were both laying down in his bed, after having great sex and make out session. FML

Today, after having just picked them up three days ago, I ruined my new pair of $400 eyeglasses. “Scratch resistant” lenses do not protect against a tiny screwdriver when your hand slips off of the screw you were trying to loosen in order to adjust the nose pads. FML

Today, after having my bath, I realised that I’ve gotten so fat that I have to lift up my butt cheeks in order to dry underneath them. FML

Today, my girlfriend of two years called me, drunk, telling me how much anal sex hurts with some other guy. FML

Today, my mum got upset with me for getting my first hangover ever after being of legal drinking age for over 6 years. She is a closet alcoholic in denial who hides red wine bottles around the house. FML

Today, I went in to work and was handed a write-up for having lied about being sick in order to leave early yesterday. Apparently, a co-worker saw me leave the parking lot, then immediately pull into the shopping center next door. I was going to Walgreens for cold medicine. FML

Today, I did something clever at work and I was telling one of the other girls about it. I said “Just using my noodle” and went to tap my temple but instead I jabbed myself in the eye. FML

Today, after having sexual intercourse with my boyfriend, we went downstairs to find his parents had come home early and had heard everything. I, then, received a long scolding from his mother of how I’d disrespected her house. My boyfriend received a high-five and a thumbs-up from his dad. FML

Today, after having sex several times, my romantic boyfriend went down on me. He took one lick before exclaiming “ugh! gross! ew! oh that tastes disgusting!” FML

Today, it’s my birthday. My boyfriend didn’t get me a present. He did, however, get me a card from our cat. He signed it “Have a purrrrfect birthday.” Then he left to go to work. I was alone all day long. FML