Posts Tagged ‘all-over’

Today, I had a sore throat, and I’d read that drops of Tabasco sauce on your tongue helps. I aimed the bottle at my tongue and the whole cap came off, covering my face and filling my mouth with Tabasco sauce, causing me to blow chunks all over the kitchen floor. FML

Today, it’s memorial day weekend. The cops are all over the place watching for speeders and drunks. Some complete dickhead decided to spray paint “cop killa” on the side of my car. It won’t come off. FML

Today, on the first day of my nanny job, I wanted to impress my employers with how trustworthy and responsible I am. During the sixty seconds that I went to pee, the two-year-old found a black Sharpie and scribbled all over the wall. Nail polish remover made it ten times worse. FML

Today, I was cutting a little boy’s hair at the hairdressers where I work. While cutting his bangs, I noticed his forehead was surprisingly warm. When I asked him if he felt OK, he threw up all over my gown. I think he had some broccoli today. FML

Today, while relaxing in the kitchen drinking coffee, my dad suddenly rushed in, knocking me over and causing me to spill boiling hot coffee all over myself. Then, my dad thought it would be a good idea to grab the sprayer from the sink and douse me with cold water in order to “put me out.” FML

Today, I discovered I have a new allergy. It was so bad that I had to be rushed to the hospital because I couldn’t breathe and had hives all over my body. What caused this horrible allergic reaction? Asparagus. This is what I get for being vegan. FML

Today, I noticed that for the past 20 minutes my dog has been eating all the cat shit that has been hidden in the backyard, and has now barfed it back out all over the living room floor. FML

Today, as I got out of the shower, I stepped on a huge gecko with my bare feet, killing it. After I finished freaking out about it, I saw some weird stuff coming out of it. Now I have gecko guts smeared all over my rug and the soles of my feet. FML

Today, I treated myself to a cheeseburger. I left it on my coffee table while I grabbed a napkin from the kitchen. While I was gone my dog ate it. Then puked it up all over my carpet. Which I then had to clean up. FML

Today, I kept finding ants crawl all over my face. After a while, I realized that they were all coming from my beard. I have had a population of ants living in my beard. FML

Today, I was driving with my dog. Looking out the half-open window he stepped on the switch, the window went up, causing his head to get stuck. I looked down and he had scared the shit out of himself, all over my shirt. FML

 Today, while my boyfriend and I were fighting in the car, I paused to take a bite of my burrito. Just at that moment, he slammed on the breaks, causing me to deepthroat my burrito. I throw up all over myself. He won the argument. FML

Today, I was wearing flip flops in class and had my feet under the desk of the pregnant girl sitting in front of me. Her water broke all over my exposed feet. FML

Today, I found out that getting your hair dyed can result in an allergic reaction that leaves bleeding sores all over your scalp. FML

Today, I fell down the stairs. The laptop I had been carrying flew halfway across the room. I now have carpet burns all over my body from tumbling down and a broken computer. I am leaving for college tomorrow and needed that computer. FML