Posts Tagged ‘amazon’

Today, I found out that my wife is pregnant again. During her last two pregnancies, she craved pop-tarts and screamed bloody murder at the drop of a hat, so I went out and bought a bunch a box for her. Turns out that this time, pop-tarts make her want to puke. Cue screaming. FML

Today, after handing in my resume to get a part-time job, I tried leaving, but the door wouldn’t open. It was the “in” door. The person I gave my resume to had to slowly explain this to me. FML

Today, I found out why you shouldn’t drop instant mashed potatoes in a fish tank, especially when you have expensive fish. FML

Today, I called the toaster a ‘cheeky thing’ for being done before the kettle. FML

Today, I found out that it is never, under any circumstance, a good idea to put a band-aid on your penis. FML

Today, while my boyfriend and I were watching TV, I asked him if he loved me. He turned up the volume. FML

Today, I discovered the hard way that all the scare stories I’d heard about rats getting into pipes and finding their way into your toilet are, in fact, true. FML

Today, my girlfriend said I could only take her virginity while I have a flaccid penis, so I won’t hurt her. I get hard from just staring at her covered ass. FML

Today, my sculpture, which is very important for my art grade, fell from my desk and broke to pieces. My art teacher suggested I soak the parts in water to make it easier to stick them back together. They dissolved. FML

Today, I managed to cut myself on a piece of chocolate. FML

Today, I received the first compliment from the opposite sex that I’ve gotten in months, from an elderly, cross-dressing man in the parking lot of Goodwill. Apparently my clothes look like they’d be “exciting to try on.” FML

Today, I received more affection from my wife in a video game than I ever have in real life. FML

Today, someone actually thought it was appropriate to compare my mother’s death to the death of their cat. FML

Today, I had to tell my 7 year old son it’s not polite to jack off in public. FML

Today, my husband came home late from drinking with his buddies, only to toss and turn and keep me up for an hour. He then sat up and didn’t move for a few minutes. I sat up to see what was wrong, only to see him pissing on the carpet beside our bed. FML