Posts Tagged ‘android’

Today, I couldn’t go home after a sleepover at a friend’s house, because my street was blocked off to cars and pedestrians. Why? Because my dad was sitting on the roof, smoking a cigarette and telling people he was going to jump. FML

Today, I found out why you shouldn’t drop instant mashed potatoes in a fish tank, especially when you have expensive fish. FML

Today, I called the toaster a ‘cheeky thing’ for being done before the kettle. FML

Today, I found out that it is never, under any circumstance, a good idea to put a band-aid on your penis. FML

Today, while driving, I slowed down and made sure I safely went by a pedestrian, and in the process rear-ended the car in front of me. FML

Today, I had to tell my wife that the new “vegan” diet she has put us on is not working with my body. It’s not the horrible gas, hot shits, or constant hunger that made me realize this. It was the dream I had about fried chicken that did. FML

Today, I signed the divorce papers my wife gave me. When I went to bed, she was on the phone talking to her new boyfriend. FML

Today, I discovered the hard way that all the scare stories I’d heard about rats getting into pipes and finding their way into your toilet are, in fact, true. FML

Today, I got a flat tire on the highway. While I was changing it, a semi kicked up a rock and cracked my side window. FML

Today, I managed to cut myself on a piece of chocolate. FML

Today, I received the first compliment from the opposite sex that I’ve gotten in months, from an elderly, cross-dressing man in the parking lot of Goodwill. Apparently my clothes look like they’d be “exciting to try on.” FML

Today, I received more affection from my wife in a video game than I ever have in real life. FML

Today, I noticed a flash car badly parking itself in a handicapped space. I hate the asshats who do this, so I went up to berate the driver. After an opening salvo of coarse language, a glint of light on his wheelchair in the back caught my eye. I then had to apologize for being a shitehawk. FML

Today, I set my alarm half-an-hour earlier so I could masturbate. That’s how horny and single I am. FML

Today, someone actually thought it was appropriate to compare my mother’s death to the death of their cat. FML