Posts Tagged ‘animals’

Today, I woke up next to my boyfriend of two years. I realized I was going to be late for work, so I asked him to hand me my underwear. I had never seen the underwear he gave me before. FML

Today, I was sitting at the mall food court, and wearing a “Blink If You Want Me” shirt. A guy walked by, saw my shirt, and made a point of holding a staring contest with me before moving on. FML

Today, I found out that my wife is pregnant again. During her last two pregnancies, she craved pop-tarts and screamed bloody murder at the drop of a hat, so I went out and bought a bunch a box for her. Turns out that this time, pop-tarts make her want to puke. Cue screaming. FML

Today, after handing in my resume to get a part-time job, I tried leaving, but the door wouldn’t open. It was the “in” door. The person I gave my resume to had to slowly explain this to me. FML

Today, I was sitting on the bus and as I’m quite short my legs were dangling. Some guy, who wasn’t looking where he was going, tripped over my foot and went flying. He and everyone else on the bus glared at me like it was deliberate. The man next to me even changed seats in disgust. FML

Today, I found out why you shouldn’t drop instant mashed potatoes in a fish tank, especially when you have expensive fish. FML

Today, my husband and I were about to have sex. As soon as I got on top, he started speaking in a robot voice, then demanded that I call him “the Fuckinator.” This is not the first time this has happened. FML

Today, while driving, I slowed down and made sure I safely went by a pedestrian, and in the process rear-ended the car in front of me. FML

Today, I found out my mom has been stealing from me to pay for Scientology courses. FML

Today, while my boyfriend and I were watching TV, I asked him if he loved me. He turned up the volume. FML

Today, I signed the divorce papers my wife gave me. When I went to bed, she was on the phone talking to her new boyfriend. FML

Today, I discovered the hard way that all the scare stories I’d heard about rats getting into pipes and finding their way into your toilet are, in fact, true. FML

Today, my sculpture, which is very important for my art grade, fell from my desk and broke to pieces. My art teacher suggested I soak the parts in water to make it easier to stick them back together. They dissolved. FML

Today, I managed to cut myself on a piece of chocolate. FML

Today, a client stared at me in disbelief after I mentioned that I had a boyfriend. FML