Posts Tagged ‘animals-money’

Today, I was sitting at the mall food court, and wearing a “Blink If You Want Me” shirt. A guy walked by, saw my shirt, and made a point of holding a staring contest with me before moving on. FML

Today, I found out that my wife is pregnant again. During her last two pregnancies, she craved pop-tarts and screamed bloody murder at the drop of a hat, so I went out and bought a bunch a box for her. Turns out that this time, pop-tarts make her want to puke. Cue screaming. FML

Today, I couldn’t go home after a sleepover at a friend’s house, because my street was blocked off to cars and pedestrians. Why? Because my dad was sitting on the roof, smoking a cigarette and telling people he was going to jump. FML

Today, I found out why you shouldn’t drop instant mashed potatoes in a fish tank, especially when you have expensive fish. FML

Today, everyone in my house has a horrible stomach flu. My two toddler nephews don’t understand that they need to throw up in the bathroom, so they just blow chunks everywhere. I have to clean it up, while trying not to do the same. FML

Today, I found out that it is never, under any circumstance, a good idea to put a band-aid on your penis. FML

Today, I found out my mom has been stealing from me to pay for Scientology courses. FML

Today, I signed the divorce papers my wife gave me. When I went to bed, she was on the phone talking to her new boyfriend. FML

Today, I discovered the hard way that all the scare stories I’d heard about rats getting into pipes and finding their way into your toilet are, in fact, true. FML

Today, my girlfriend said I could only take her virginity while I have a flaccid penis, so I won’t hurt her. I get hard from just staring at her covered ass. FML

Today, I got a flat tire on the highway. While I was changing it, a semi kicked up a rock and cracked my side window. FML

Today, I managed to cut myself on a piece of chocolate. FML

Today, I received the first compliment from the opposite sex that I’ve gotten in months, from an elderly, cross-dressing man in the parking lot of Goodwill. Apparently my clothes look like they’d be “exciting to try on.” FML

Today, I set my alarm half-an-hour earlier so I could masturbate. That’s how horny and single I am. FML

Today, someone actually thought it was appropriate to compare my mother’s death to the death of their cat. FML