Posts Tagged ‘apartment’

Today, a Karate dojo opened under my apartment. It’s like living in a Bruce Lee movie. FML

Today, my roommate informed me that one of her scorpions is loose in our apartment again. Great. FML

Today, I woke up naked on the roof of my apartment. Not only had I not been to a party, gotten drunk, or done any drugs, but I remember going to bed with my clothes intact last night. FML

Today, I was playing my guitar outside my apartment building, and some people had put some money in my guitar case. One guy threw in what I thought was a crumpled piece of paper or something. It was actually a used condom. It leaked all over the money and my case. FML

Today, my mother-in-law announced that she’s going to be moving into the apartment next to us. Oh joy. FML

Today, I hired a cleaner to clean my apartment so when my in-laws visited tonight, they wouldn’t think I was lazy. I got home from work, the cleaner hadn’t shown at all, and my in-laws had arrived early. My mother-in-law is now mopping the floors. FML

Today, while a very cute girl was explaining the apartment’s laundry machines to me, I blurted out, “It’s okay, my pants are used to handling huge loads”. FML

Today, I was taking a nap in our country house. I was sick with a fever of 101.3. When I woke up, I see that my family had left to go back to the apartment. They forgot me. FML

Today, my toddler went for a nap, so I decided to lie down with him. I woke up, and heard him in the living room. I went to check on him, only to find he’d smashed a dozen eggs on the carpet. We just moved into this apartment two days ago. FML

Today, I finally found out what that weird smell in my apartment was. My ex-boyfriend had been breaking into my apartment and hiding rotting fruit all the place. I found this out when a ceiling panel fell and a swarm of fruit flies attacked me. FML

Today, I learned that my apartment building has two new tenants: my ex-girlfriend and her fiance, the guy she cheated on me with. FML

Today, at 5:30 in the morning while I was fast asleep, my cat decided the most threatening thing in my apartment that absolutely needed to be attacked was my left nipple. FML

Today, I made a video for a school tour of my apartment in German. The walls in my apartment are thin, so you could hear my sister having phone sex in her room in the background. FML

Today, the maintenance man ‘fixed’ a leak in my apartment by flooding the place. FML

Today, I came home from a week abroad. When I walked into the apartment, I discovered that while I was gone somebody had broken in, trashed my apartment, stolen my gerbil, and left an octopus on my living room floor. FML