Posts Tagged ‘applications’

Today, I woke up next to my boyfriend of two years. I realized I was going to be late for work, so I asked him to hand me my underwear. I had never seen the underwear he gave me before. FML

Today, I couldn’t go home after a sleepover at a friend’s house, because my street was blocked off to cars and pedestrians. Why? Because my dad was sitting on the roof, smoking a cigarette and telling people he was going to jump. FML

Today, I was sitting on the bus and as I’m quite short my legs were dangling. Some guy, who wasn’t looking where he was going, tripped over my foot and went flying. He and everyone else on the bus glared at me like it was deliberate. The man next to me even changed seats in disgust. FML

Today, I found out why you shouldn’t drop instant mashed potatoes in a fish tank, especially when you have expensive fish. FML

Today, my husband and I were about to have sex. As soon as I got on top, he started speaking in a robot voice, then demanded that I call him “the Fuckinator.” This is not the first time this has happened. FML

Today, I found out that it is never, under any circumstance, a good idea to put a band-aid on your penis. FML

Today, while my boyfriend and I were watching TV, I asked him if he loved me. He turned up the volume. FML

Today, I got a flat tire on the highway. While I was changing it, a semi kicked up a rock and cracked my side window. FML

Today, I managed to cut myself on a piece of chocolate. FML

Today, a client stared at me in disbelief after I mentioned that I had a boyfriend. FML

Today, I spent my day creating a new type of laugh, and performing it in my head. FML

Today, I received the first compliment from the opposite sex that I’ve gotten in months, from an elderly, cross-dressing man in the parking lot of Goodwill. Apparently my clothes look like they’d be “exciting to try on.” FML

Today, I received more affection from my wife in a video game than I ever have in real life. FML

Today, someone actually thought it was appropriate to compare my mother’s death to the death of their cat. FML

Today, my husband came home late from drinking with his buddies, only to toss and turn and keep me up for an hour. He then sat up and didn’t move for a few minutes. I sat up to see what was wrong, only to see him pissing on the carpet beside our bed. FML