Today, I woke up in my school dorm bunk bed. As I stretched my arms from a good night’s sleep, a cold, limp hand smacked me in the face. I let out a loud scream which woke up my roommate. The hand was my own. FML
Today, I decided to start my exercise video routine. It’s an African dance workout DVD. Just as I felt confident and motivated about getting in shape, I realized that my window was wide open and my neighbors were getting a front row seat to me waving my arms in the air like an idiot. FML
Today, I was hiking, and four miles away from my car and civilization, I tripped over a rock into a cactus. I used duct tape, which ripped all the hair off my arms and legs but ignored the spikes. FML
Today, my mom took away my medication. She’s afraid I’ll get “hooked”. The medication is anti-anxiety pills. I have horrible anxiety attacks that sometimes cause me to scratch my arms until they bleed. FML
Today, my ex boyfriend came over to visit. Being nice, I let him walk down the stairs first, following after him. I still managed to reach the bottom before he did; after taking one step, I lost my footing and fell all the way down, scraping the skin off my arms and legs, and bruising my butt. FML
Today, I took my four year old son to the playground. When it was time to go, he squirmed out of my arms back to the jungle gym. Not being the type of mother to put up with bad behavior, I swatted his rear and told him we had to go. That’s when I realized I’d just spanked the wrong child who was wearing the same coat as my son. FML
Today, my doctor told me that I can’t use deodorant or shave my underarms because If I do I’ll get painful puss filled lumps under my arms. Now my armpits are hairy. And I smell. FML
Today, I found out why you don’t let your kids grab your arms while their hands are covered in glitter glue. Easy to get it on you, extremely painful to rip from your arm hairs. FML
Today, my dad walked in on me singing “Bohemian Rhapsody”, while spinning in circles with the cat in my arms. I thought I was home alone. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I got into a fight. Doubting our relationship, I asked him seriously if he loved me. He looked thoughtful, gathered me in his arms and said, “If I say yes, will you be less pissed?” and then tried to stick his hand down my pants. FML
Today, I was unpacking boxes in the garage. I got excited when I found a sweater I had been looking for and put it on, only to feel something crawling on my arms. I soon discovered the sweater and box was infested with spiders. FML
Today, I found out I have rheumatoid arthritis in both my arms and hands. I also happen to be in a wheelchair. FML
Today, while my boyfriend and I were sleeping, I rolled over and started to cuddle with him. He immediately tensed up and punched me in the stomach and the face in his sleep. He then woke up, put his arms around me, smiled sweetly and fell back asleep while I tended to my bloody nose. FML
Today, I woke up very sick and home alone. An intense feeling of nausea suddenly came over me, and as I was rushing to the toilet, I collapsed onto my hands and knees and puked violently. After spewing my stomach contents all over the floor, my arms gave way, and I fell face-first into the pool of my own vomit. FML
Today, my manager had me making fries at work, even though I mentioned the heat was too much. I ended up blacking out as I was putting down baskets of fries, so not only did I hit my head on the floor, I have second degree burns on my arms. FML