Posts Tagged ‘bathroom’

Today, I read some funny scribbelings on wall in the bathroom stall. My first instinct was to “Like” it. FML

Today, my morning sickness has been so bad that my husband’s farts send me running to the bathroom. He thinks it’s hilarious, and has been following me around all day trying to crack one off in my face. FML

Today, my wife was about to take a shower, when she called me into the bathroom. She stripped me off and pulled me in with her. As I started to get into it, she sighed, “Thank god. You really needed a shower.” FML

Today, I was using the bathroom and checking Facebook on my phone. As I’m checking my news feed, I notice a new photo upload by my brother. I guess I forgot to shut the door to the bathroom, because it’s me on the toilet. FML

Today, I was washing my hands in my bathroom when I looked up to see a spider on my cheek. In a panic, I slapped myself in the face as hard as I could to kill it. Turns out the spider was on the mirror. FML

Today, I fell asleep for an hour in the bathroom while taking a dump. I had to convince everyone I went for a walk during lunch since no one saw my car leave. FML

Today, my mother tried to have a conversation with me. While she was taking a piss. With the bathroom door wide open. FML

Today, I was in the bathroom at the airport when I noticed I’d run out of toilet paper. I tried to reach under the next stall to grab some, when someone held my hand and said, “Two can play at this game” in a perverted voice. All I wanted was toilet paper. FML

Today, my daughter called for me to come into the bathroom. Turns out the tummy ache she’d been complaining of was actually parasites in her digestive tract. I could swear they were looking at me from the toilet. FML

Today, I was on my first blind date. We went to a fancy restaurant in the middle in the city. After using the bathroom, I came back to an empty table. He stole my purse and left. FML

Today, I discovered that my boyfriend, the one who does all the cooking in the house, doesn’t wash his hands after using the bathroom. FML

Today, I knocked on the door of the bathroom to make sure nobody was in there before I walked in. Then I remembered I live alone. FML

Today, I had a horrible stomach flu and was well into my second hour of dry heaving when I heard my husband knock on the bathroom door. I was touched that he was worried about me until I heard, “Honey, what did you make me for dinner?” FML

Today, the toilet on the top floor of my house busted, soaked the bathroom, and sent water dripping down into the kitchen and basement for hours while no one was home. Eight blowers and a dehumidifier later, the house is about 90 degrees, and I can’t leave. FML

Today, I finished my 10 page paper in the school library. I saved the final draft but went to use the bathroom before I printed. I came back to discover that someone had replaced my writing with ‘SUCKS FOR YOU’, saved it, then closed the file. I now have to rewrite my entire paper. FML