Today, while vacuuming my car, I discovered a hole in the floor under one of the seats. Unable to figure out where it came from, I took it to a professional, who informed me that a family of rats has been making my car their home for the last several months. How lovely. FML
Today, I realized that every day without fail, the muffins I’ve been making and giving to my husband for work have been hitting speeding cars’ windshields. FML
Today, I got an app that talks to me. I’ve been making it say romantic things to me. I’m forcing my phone to hit on me so I can feel wanted. FML
Today, my bank card got declined. There should have been $1200 on it, so I went to the bank to check my balance. It was $14. I called the cops, and it turns out my boyfriend has been making $100 withdraws and purchases everyday for the past three weeks. He wasn’t going to tell me. FML
Today, I told my brother to piss off. He decided to do exactly that, from the balcony onto my lap. FML