Posts Tagged ‘birthday’

Today, my boyfriend kept whining at me, asking why I wouldn’t have sex with him, seemingly not caring that my parents were in the room. FML

Today, my kids tried to make grilled cheese by turning the toaster sideways. When all was done, it all flew out onto the kitchen floor. Both my kids and my husband left the mess there for me to clean up when I got home. FML

Today, I was accepted into a police academy. I called my girlfriend of 2 years, who was supportive through the process. She promptly broke up with me, stating, “You’ll be really busy in the academy, and I can’t marry a police officer. Its a dangerous job.” And then called me selfish for “doing this to us.” FML

Today, I’m in Vegas to celebrate my 22nd birthday. I should be out having a blast, but a stomach virus thought otherwise. I’ll be spending my birthday stuck in my hotel room eating microwaved soup. FML

Today, I volunteered to cater an event at school. A little girl asked for a big slice of cake so I gave it to her. She then puked everywhere and her parents blamed me and made me clean it up. The little girl sat there smiling at me while I cleaned. FML

Today, my boyfriend and I were getting frisky. He pulled off my panties and was about to go down on me when he said, “Wait, what’s this white thing?” It was a piece of toilet paper. FML

Today, I put a blue toilet cleaner square in the back of toilet. My fiancé called me later on freaking out because he couldn’t get the “blue water to go away” when he flushed. FML

Today, my mom went grocery shopping. After I helped carry in all the bags, she proudly presented the ice cream cake she’d gotten for my birthday, knowing that I’m lactose intolerant. FML

Today, I found out I have to give my father-in-law back the football tickets he gave me for my birthday. Why? His girlfriend decided she wanted to go. He didn’t get me a different gift. FML

Today, my parents bought purity rings for my twin brother and me for our birthday, and had them blessed by our priest. Neither of us are virgins. FML

Today, I saw my dad for the first time in ten years. He was stealing my car. FML

Today, I received a few new fish for my aquarium as presents for my birthday. It just so happened that these fish were carrying diseases that left me with a tank full of dead fish. Happy birthday. FML

Today, my friends and I were going to do an ugly sweater photo shoot. When we met up, one of them was wearing a sweater I gave on her birthday. FML

Today, I was eating cereal while absentmindedly reading the box. I was amused when I found it expires on my birthday. Then I realized it expired on my birthday two years ago. FML

Today, I was at the laundromat. I put my clothes in the dryer and decided to go next door and get a drink. By the time I got back, all my clothes were gone. I now have nothing to wear until I get paid. Which is in 2 weeks. FML