Today, I celebrated my birthday. My mom invited a bunch of my relatives over, and they started telling funny stories of when I was a kid. My mom decided that then was an appropriate time to talk about how she caught me looking at porn the other night. FML
Today, I woke up excited since it was my birthday. I talked to my girlfriend about what I want to do for my birthday. She said, “Your birthday isn’t today, it was yesterday.” She was right, I forgot my own birthday. FML
Today, I received a check in the mail from my mom for my birthday. The check bounced, and I had to pay an overdraft fee. It ended up costing me $20 for my birthday. FML
Today, my neighbor called my mother and told her someone was robbing our house. Since my father wasn’t home, my mom just called the police. There wasn’t any robber. Just my boyfriend sneaking in to give me flowers at midnight on my birthday. I’m now grounded. FML
Today, I got up to let my cat outside at 5:30am to see toilet paper draping my trees, lotion all over my driveway, eggs, and something that seems to stain cement. My mom says this is all my fault. Today is my birthday. FML
Today, I was in the car with my dad and younger brother. My dad suddenly says “Well, just 6 more days,” which made me happy because that’s when my birthday is. I smile and say “Yeah I’m excited,” to which he replies, “Me too, I’ve been waiting for your brother’s first football practice all year.” FML
Today, it’s my birthday, and my fiancé took me out for dinner. The food and wine were terrible, I got into a verbal fight with the manager, and my fiancé broke down crying in the restaurant. FML
Today, I thought it would be nice to make my boss a cake for his birthday tomorrow. Two attempts and a call to the fire department later made me realize this was probably a bad idea. FML
Today, I sent a ‘Happy Birthday Dad’ text. I got a reply saying ‘who is this?’ I’m an only child. FML
Today, the doctor told me the abdominal pain I’ve been feeling for the past four days is actually appendicitis and I need to have surgery tonight. I’m living in a third world country attending vet school. There are goats in the parking lot, my final exams are next week, and my birthday is in four days. FML