FML Today » birthday

shygirl says FML

admin — Sun, 20 May 2012 16:12:56 +0000

Today, my sister got married. It was also the day that I was supposed to deliver a heartfelt toast to the happy couple. I got so nervous that I kept stuttering and finally ended with “Congrats Beth and Steve!” Her husband’s name is Eric. Her ex was named Steve. FML

slayerdeath says FML

admin — Sun, 20 May 2012 11:28:44 +0000

Today, my girlfriend went in for a kiss too fast and broke my front tooth. FML

Anonymous says FML

admin — Mon, 14 May 2012 07:33:21 +0000

Today, it’s my birthday. All I wanted was birthday sex, but all my boyfriend could talk about was how great the new purse he got me was. I think he might like it more than me. FML

Brown345 says FML

admin — Fri, 11 May 2012 11:46:45 +0000

Today, I started a new job. I noticed all the beautiful women. Then I tripped on a cord running across the floor. They noticed me too. FML

lexii says FML

admin — Sat, 05 May 2012 10:46:10 +0000

Today, while trying to kill a spider in my kitchen, I thought it would be wise to throw a bottle at it. The bottle hit the wall, bounced off the fridge and hit me in the face. The lucky spider crawled, and is surely still laughing somewhere. FML

john says FML

admin — Fri, 04 May 2012 22:54:18 +0000

Today, the person I’ve been sharing my most intimate feelings with finally got bored and let me know I’ve been texting the wrong number for weeks. FML

Anonymous says FML

admin — Fri, 04 May 2012 18:22:55 +0000

Today, my apartment was robbed by my landlord. Her logic? “I own the building, and therefore everything in it.” That TV cost more than my rent. FML

Anonymous says FML

admin — Fri, 04 May 2012 06:54:31 +0000

Today, I decided to look at the pictures my mom took during my birthday a couple of weeks ago. Every single one is of my sister. Her lighting the candles, her watching me open presents, and her eating cake. The only pictures of me are in the background. FML

anonymous says FML

admin — Fri, 04 May 2012 06:54:25 +0000

Today, I was petting my cat and I jokingly said out loud, “Oh, the pussy likes it rough? You like that, don’t you?” My windows were open and I could hear the neighbors laughing. FML

still hungry says FML

admin — Sat, 21 Apr 2012 18:55:50 +0000

Today, my boyfriend said he was going to give me breakfast in bed before he left. He walked over, threw some granola bars on the bed next to me and left. FML

anonymous says FML

admin — Fri, 20 Apr 2012 07:32:10 +0000

Today, I witnessed a car accident. Being an experienced paramedic, I rushed to the scene to see if anyone needed help. As I assessed the people involved, one of them pickpocketed me. FML

Anonymous says FML

admin — Fri, 20 Apr 2012 07:31:55 +0000

Today, I offered my phone number to the guy I’ve been flirting back and forth with all week. He said no. FML

ajnmegs says FML

admin — Thu, 19 Apr 2012 22:14:32 +0000

Today, while watching TV with my wife, I realized that we were still watching “My Little Pony” even though the kids had been asleep for half an hour. FML

amber says FML

admin — Thu, 19 Apr 2012 22:14:29 +0000

Today, my boyfriend gave me acne cream for my birthday. FML

Anonymous says FML

admin — Thu, 19 Apr 2012 17:43:58 +0000

Today, I had a conversation about how Victoria Beckham ate fruit salad for her birthday, as if it was an important subject. FML

beagle1 says FML

admin — Tue, 03 Apr 2012 17:06:45 +0000

Today, I met separately with the President and Chairman of the company regarding a product that I’m designing. Each ordered me to do the opposite of whatever the other had instructed. FML

Anonymous says FML

admin — Tue, 27 Mar 2012 11:22:26 +0000

Today, my best friend stopped by my house, borrowed a movie, and left. That was the extent of our communication for the day. Today is my birthday. FML

Sharibabi65 says FML

admin — Wed, 07 Mar 2012 12:02:43 +0000

Today, I told my fiancé I wanted to hear something romantic. He said, “My dick loves your mouth.” I guess that’s as good as it’s going to get. FML

hl1996 says FML

admin — Wed, 07 Mar 2012 07:27:45 +0000

Today, I found out that my parents have a list of everything I have Googled. FML

Alex says FML

admin — Wed, 07 Mar 2012 07:27:42 +0000

Today, I had to get out my birth certificate to prove to my dad that today is my birthday. This has happened before. FML