Posts Tagged ‘black’

Today, I was sitting at the mall food court, and wearing a “Blink If You Want Me” shirt. A guy walked by, saw my shirt, and made a point of holding a staring contest with me before moving on. FML

Today, after handing in my resume to get a part-time job, I tried leaving, but the door wouldn’t open. It was the “in” door. The person I gave my resume to had to slowly explain this to me. FML

Today, I couldn’t go home after a sleepover at a friend’s house, because my street was blocked off to cars and pedestrians. Why? Because my dad was sitting on the roof, smoking a cigarette and telling people he was going to jump. FML

Today, I called the toaster a ‘cheeky thing’ for being done before the kettle. FML

Today, a first date with a guy went so badly that he actually paid me to never call him again. FML

Today, everyone in my house has a horrible stomach flu. My two toddler nephews don’t understand that they need to throw up in the bathroom, so they just blow chunks everywhere. I have to clean it up, while trying not to do the same. FML

Today, my husband and I were about to have sex. As soon as I got on top, he started speaking in a robot voice, then demanded that I call him “the Fuckinator.” This is not the first time this has happened. FML

Today, while driving, I slowed down and made sure I safely went by a pedestrian, and in the process rear-ended the car in front of me. FML

Today, I had to tell my wife that the new “vegan” diet she has put us on is not working with my body. It’s not the horrible gas, hot shits, or constant hunger that made me realize this. It was the dream I had about fried chicken that did. FML

Today, I found out my mom has been stealing from me to pay for Scientology courses. FML

Today, while my boyfriend and I were watching TV, I asked him if he loved me. He turned up the volume. FML

Today, I managed to cut myself on a piece of chocolate. FML

Today, a client stared at me in disbelief after I mentioned that I had a boyfriend. FML

Today, I received the first compliment from the opposite sex that I’ve gotten in months, from an elderly, cross-dressing man in the parking lot of Goodwill. Apparently my clothes look like they’d be “exciting to try on.” FML

Today, I noticed a flash car badly parking itself in a handicapped space. I hate the asshats who do this, so I went up to berate the driver. After an opening salvo of coarse language, a glint of light on his wheelchair in the back caught my eye. I then had to apologize for being a shitehawk. FML