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Tags archives: black
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Today, my extremely religious father visited for a family dinner. My daughter had just one job: not to set him off on one of his easily-provoked rants. She nonetheless decided to take a photo in the middle of prayer, because she just HAD to Instagram her food. My father went apeshit. FML
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Today, my piano teacher complimented my song, calling it great. I was proud and thanked him, then realized he was being sarcastic. FML
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Today, I realized my family is the textbook definition of redneck after listening to my grandpa threaten to smash with an excavator the trailer that my uncle lives in behind our house if he didn’t return the set of tires he had stolen and pawned from my grandpa’s garage. FML
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Today, my aunt drove to my house and screamed at me for skateboarding in her driveway and denting her car. She then ransacked my room for said skateboard so she could break it in half. My aunt lives 4 hours away. I don’t own a skateboard. FML
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Today, my mom accused my cat of being a “manipulator”, and that we should get rid of him. FML
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Today, whilst driving past a cyclist, I thought it would be funny to make him jump by blasting my horn right behind him and then driving off. I guess he thought it would be funny to catch up with me, yank off my wing-mirror, and hurl it through the open window at my face. FML
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Today, my girlfriend actually yelled, “Why are you making this all about YOU?!” after I confronted her over cheating on me. FML
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Today, I heard my grandma sobbing in her room. After finally convincing her to tell me what was wrong, she confessed to watching a porn video last night. She thinks not being able to sleep afterwards is a sign that God is punishing her, and that she’s damned our family to hell. FML
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Today, in preparation for a third interview for my dream job, I spent an hour selecting the perfect outfit. I hung everything on my bedroom door and went to shower. My dog decided to play tug-of-war with the clothing and redesign the shoes. The only thing to survive unscathed was the hanger. FML
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Today, I was ditched by the guy I flew over two thousand miles to see. His excuse? “I’m just tired. I want to go home and sleep” Later, he checked in at a bar right down the street from the hotel on Facebook. FML
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Today, I was stuck in my apartment complex’s elevator. I was shouting out for help when a voice came screaming, “This is the fire department.” I was relieved until he said, “Just kidding.” FML
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Today, I finally scored a goal in a soccer game. Too bad it was in our own net. FML
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Today, a friend was put on suicide watch when her parents wouldn’t pay $500 for a premium senior picture package. FML
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