Today, I attempted to bleach my body hair so I wouldn’t have to shave. A little while later, I realized that I’d also succeeded in bleaching my skin, which was incredibly noticeable. I’m hosting a pool party this weekend. FML
Today, I have sunburn on 80% of my body. It wouldn’t be so bad if I didn’t also have cuts from a tree. Now every time I put Aloe on the sunburn, the cuts either burn or start to bleed. I need to choose between the pain of an almost-peeling sunburn or the pain of aggravated bleeding cuts. FML
Today, I discovered I have a new allergy. It was so bad that I had to be rushed to the hospital because I couldn’t breathe and had hives all over my body. What caused this horrible allergic reaction? Asparagus. This is what I get for being vegan. FML
Today, I got 2 creams for a skin condition. The one for my face says “Don’t expose skin to sun after use of this product”. The one for the rest of my body says “This product relies on exposure to the sun”. In other words, I have to be outside as much as I can, naked and with a box on my head. FML
Today, I was riding my motorcycle on the highway and wearing all of my gear – boots, gloves, jacket, and full-face helmet. Somehow a bee found the only spot not covered on my body and stung my neck. I’m allergic to bees. FML
Today, I was watching TV in my living room while my wife was cooking. I began to smell the aroma of her potato soup, which made me hungry. Suddenly, I realized that the smell wasn’t my wife’s cooking but was in fact my body odor. FML
Today, I was at my girlfriend’s house and had to go to the bathroom. While peeing, I had a cough atack. The cough shaked my body, making me pee all over my pants. My girlfriend’s parents just arrived. FML
Today, I was outside tanning. Because it was so hot, I was sweating profusely. I felt what I thought was sweat dripping down my body. Turns out, it was baby roaches. 3 dozen of them, all on my body. FML
Today, my fiance jumped on me and started to move his body all over me like he was a stripper. Just for fun, I asked, ‘Why are you doing this?’ He said, ‘I’m itching my balls on your leg.’ He was serious. FML
Today, I fell down the stairs. The laptop I had been carrying flew halfway across the room. I now have carpet burns all over my body from tumbling down and a broken computer. I am leaving for college tomorrow and needed that computer. FML
Today, I got a tattoo of my boyfriend’s name on my hip. Before I got the chance to show him, he broke up with me and told me he was cheating on me for the entire 5 years we’ve been together. Now I have to look at his name on my body for the rest of my life. FML
Today, I got a huge bill through the post. It turns out that my elderly mother made the vet come out to my house to see the dog while I was out, because she was scared of the little growths she had found on his body. They were nipples. FML
Today, I was eating ice cream in my apartment, my girlfriend decides she’s in the mood, and pulls me onto the couch. She starts rubbing ice cream on my body, then licks it off, and we were having a whale of a time. My parents apparently decided that this would be a great time to make a surprise visit. Surprised they were. FML
Today, I fell down the stairs carrying a huge TV. Don’t worry, my body cushioned the TV’s fall. FML
Today, my naturopath recommended that I have acupuncture done on both of my legs and back. I had a blood test done yesterday. I’m deathly afraid of needles, and the last thing I need is to have yet more stuck into my body. FML