Posts Tagged ‘books’

Today, my girlfriend shoved a Q-tip up my ass while I was brushing my teeth. FML

Today, I took the 6 year old I’m babysitting to the mall to see Santa after weeks of her begging. We got there in time to see him get out of his Prius and dress in the parking lot. FML

Today, I saw a 10 dollar bill on the street, as I went to grab it, it was pulled away by a string. I don’t know what’s worse, the fact that I was tricked by teenagers or that I tripped and fell as I went for it. FML

Today, I discovered that the word ‘randy’ means ‘horny’ in England. I’m going to England next semester to study abroad. My name is Randy. FML

Today, I got kicked in the crotch by a horse in my backyard. I don’t own a horse. FML

Today, I started at my new waitressing job. Our uniforms have the name of the restaurant on the left chest pocket. My first customer asked me what the other boob’s called. FML

Today, my husband and I got into an argument. I tried to assault him with a laptop. He yelled, “Don’t hit me with the computer.” My apartment neighbor yelled through the wall, “Do what you gotta do, girl.” FML

Today, my mother “borrowed” money from my stash to help pay for her vacation to the Dominican Republic. The same trip I’m not allowed to go on, because I’m a “broke student”. FML

Today, my mom went grocery shopping. After I helped carry in all the bags, she proudly presented the ice cream cake she’d gotten for my birthday, knowing that I’m lactose intolerant. FML

Today, I got motion sickness during sex. FML

Today, I found out I have to give my father-in-law back the football tickets he gave me for my birthday. Why? His girlfriend decided she wanted to go. He didn’t get me a different gift. FML

Today, my girlfriend’s response to my question about where our relationship was going was, “Let me check what my Celtic Runes have to say about it.” FML

Today, I almost got a blowjob for the first time. Except I came before I even got in her mouth. FML

Today, I was watching porn when I heard my mom call for me. I closed my laptop right as she walked in my room, and I thought I was going to get away with it. The sound, however, kept going. FML

Today, while my boyfriend was packing for his annual hunting trip, I saw him slip a box of condoms into his bag. FML