Posts Tagged ‘bottle’

Today, I had a sore throat, and I’d read that drops of Tabasco sauce on your tongue helps. I aimed the bottle at my tongue and the whole cap came off, covering my face and filling my mouth with Tabasco sauce, causing me to blow chunks all over the kitchen floor. FML

Today, I had a huge canker in my mouth. I asked my mom for help, so she put a huge amount of oral gel on the sore to relieve the pain. It started burning horribly, so I looked at the bottle and realized that my mom had actually put wart remover in my mouth. It’s still burning. FML

Today, I was driving my family home, when my 7 year old son had to pee. Having long since passed any rest stops, I made him use a bottle. Once he was done, he grenaded the bottle out the window, hitting someone’s windshield dead on. FML

Today, I was applying Icy Hot. I squeezed the bottle too hard making it squirt in my eye. I ran to the bathroom in agony, turned on the faucet, and slammed my face right into it. FML

Today, I needed to take a pain pill. When I looked inside the pill bottle it was empty. I asked my boyfriend why it was empty and he said he took them all. I had surgery 2 days ago on my knee, and the bottle was for 10 days. Now I can’t get another one prescribed. FML

Today, I tried drinking “Smart Water” for the first time. I couldn’t figure out how to open the bottle. FML

Today, I was playing with my daughter. We were having a spray bottle full of water war. When she went to fill up her bottle, she decided to play a trick on mommy and fill it with her pee. Then she sprayed it on me. She didn’t decide to tell me until she was done. FML

Today, I had my wisdom teeth removed. I was pleasantly surprised that my boyfriend wanted to see me as soon as I got home. When he got there, he gave me an expired can of clam chowder, took my bottle of pain killers, and left. FML

Today, I was at work. I picked up my bottle of chocolate milk and gave it a little shake like I normally do. This resulted in me throwing off the loose lid and covering myself, my computer, the desk, paperwork, the printer, the wall, and my co-workers desk in brown milk. FML

Today, I was on a flight. I tried to use hand sanitizer before eating my snack. However, I forgot about the change in air pressure. When I opened the bottle, the stuff flew directly into my eye. FML

Today, I was on a date with someone I’ve had a crush on for a long time. It was after midnight, we were chatting in the car and I was close to having my first kiss ever. That is, until a bunch of policemen popped up to arrest my date for being a suspected drug dealer. FML

Today, my boyfriend came to visit me. He told me he was cheating on me, and that he wanted to break up. I was so angry that as he left, I started screaming at him out of my second story apartment window. I picked up a huge potted plant and shoved it through the window at him. It missed my ex and hit my car. FML

Today, I decided it would be funny to give my friend a peanut that had fallen on the floor. I hid it in his food, and started laughing when he ate it. It turns out he is allergic to peanuts. His family hates me now. FML

Today, I went over to my girlfriend’s parents house for dinner. This was the first time I was meeting them, so I bought a $70 bottle of red wine to try and impress them. I tried to be smooth while popping the cork. I did, but the bottle slipped and red wine poured onto their white carpet. FML

Today, I tried to see if you can kick yourself in the nuts. You can. FML