Posts Tagged ‘brother’

Today, my girlfriend and I were making love when I turn to find my brother standing at the door watching. Later I asked him how much he saw, he said “I saw from the part where you were both taking off your clothes to the part where she started screaming”. He had also told my mum. FML

Today, my brother randomly told me that unless he’s wearing underwear, his jungle of pubic hair would get caught in his zipper. Thanks for the lovely visual. FML

Today, my boyfriend came over while I was babysitting my little brother. He wouldn’t stay in bed, so my boyfriend told him,”If you don’t stay in bed, the monster will eat you!” I now have to wash my brother’s bedsheets, because he was too afraid to get up and go pee. FML

Today, I decided that the only way of getting my brother off the couch was to tickle him off. Apparently, he was more ticklish than I thought, and kicked me in the nose. Now, along with bruising, I can’t breathe out of my left nostril. FML

Today, my parents told me that I was born to entertain my brother. I have found the meaning of life. FML

Today, my brother thought it would be funny to shoot a roman candle at my balls. FML

Today, I was in the car with my dad and younger brother. My dad suddenly says “Well, just 6 more days,” which made me happy because that’s when my birthday is. I smile and say “Yeah I’m excited,” to which he replies, “Me too, I’ve been waiting for your brother’s first football practice all year.” FML

Today, I talked to my boyfriend’s brother about whether or not my boyfriend would cheat on me if he was drunk. He told me not to worry because his brother “only makes out with guys when he’s drunk.” FML

Today, my brother got a cake, and a gift card from his co-workers for his graduation. We’re twins, and I’m graduating too. My boss left early to go out drinking, leaving me his work to finish. His parting advice: “Don’t trip walking across the stage. Everyone has a video camera these days.” FML

Today, my boyfriend finally called me after a week of barely any communication. He wanted to talk to my brother about Call of Duty. FML