Posts Tagged ‘brother’

Today, I went to get ice cream with my brother. As we walked to our car, cops ran into the parking lot, pointing their guns and yelling at someone trying to flee the scene to stop. I froze in fear while my brother excitedly said, “This is just like COPS!” and tried to get closer. FML

Today, my brother called, asking for a ride home from school. I was out shopping, so I said I’d be there in twenty minutes. I drove as fast as I could, narrowly avoided rear-ending a cop, and made it there in record time, only for my brother to call and let me know he’d gotten a ride from a friend. FML

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me because I wasn’t there to watch a football game with him, like I always do when I get the chance. I was at my brother’s funeral. FML

Today, I tripped and fell down a full flight of steps. My 7 year old brother decided to stand on my back as I was lying at the bottom, toy sword in hand as if he had vanquished me. My mom refused to help me, instead taking a picture and posting it on Facebook. FML

Today, I discovered my brother had stolen some of my old Barbies from my room. I walked in on him trying to use them as voodoo dolls. FML

Today, I found out that while I was on vacation, my brother thought it would be funny to leave the TV paused on a picture of gay porn. I was gone for two weeks. Now the screen is burnt-in and no matter what I watch, I can still see the outline of two guys getting it on. FML

Today, my brother smashed my face into my birthday cake. In his excitement, he didn’t realize I hadn’t blown out all the candles yet. FML

Today, my brother thought it would be funny to disable my iPod Touch for 45 minutes. After 45 minutes, I went to enter my password. I missed a number accidentally. 50 minutes to go. FML

Today, I was sitting at a bar with my friends. Suddenly I hear a man’s voice whispering “I’d tap that” while pinching my ass. I angrily turn around, only to find my brother looking at me with a very confused expression on his face. FML

Today, I walked downstairs, made a bowl of hot cereal, and held a full conversation with my brother’s girlfriend, before I finally put two and two together and realized I hadn’t put any pants on. FML

Today, I walked in on my brother slipping into a pair of panties. Specifically, a pair of my panties. FML

Today, I had some hot phone sex with my long-distance girlfriend. Half-way through, my mom stormed in, and told me I was disgusting and sick for doing it in the same room as my brother. I forgot about the baby monitor. FML

Today, I ran outside in only my boxers to close the parasols before a lightning storm arrived. While I was closing them, the wind blew the door shut, locking me outside in the storm. Two hours later, my brother finally opened the door, yelling “Are you crazy?! Are you trying to catch a cold?!” FML

Today, I gave myself a bloody nose while trying to show my brother how to use a yo-yo. FML

Today, I got back from vacation and walked in on my boyfriend and my brother in my bed. FML