Posts Tagged ‘carpet’

Today, my toddler went for a nap, so I decided to lie down with him. I woke up, and heard him in the living room. I went to check on him, only to find he’d smashed a dozen eggs on the carpet. We just moved into this apartment two days ago. FML

Today, after 2 years together my boyfriend finally proposed. I excitedly said yes. Just as we began to kiss, my half crazed cat ran in, dropped a half eaten bird at our feet, and promptly threw up on the carpet. FML

Today, I treated myself to a cheeseburger. I left it on my coffee table while I grabbed a napkin from the kitchen. While I was gone my dog ate it. Then puked it up all over my carpet. Which I then had to clean up. FML

Today, I finished painting my living room. I had to leave the house in a rush. When I got home, I found smears of paint all around and the carpet crusted with paint that had dried. My cat had rubbed up against the walls and tracked it around. FML

Today, I was cleaning my room when I found a nice surprise from my cat. While I was on vacation, she killed a mouse. By the time I found it, there were maggots crawling in my carpet. FML

Today, my boyfriend and I got into a fight, if that’s not bad enough, he decided to shit onto my carpet to “show me how much” I’m “worth.” FML

Today, I caught my dog attempting to shit on the carpet. When I saw him, I screamed. Startled, he ran around the house, continuing to take his shit. Now, I don’t have to clean up a nice pile, I get to go on a scavenger hunt and find all of the scattered turds. FML

Today, I had to listen to a girl who just came back from the bathroom, talk about the “gigantic massive dump” she took, and even held her hands up to show the size. FML

Today, while I was painting, my little nephew came in and started watching me. I left to clean my brushes. When I came back into the room, my nephew had spilled paint all over the carpet making a rainbow. It took me 5 hours to clean it up. FML

Today, I woke up on the coldest morning of the year to discover that the gas fireplace has run out of propane, and there is no water because the pipes are frozen. While trying to locate the frozen pipe, I forgot to let the dog out, and she peed on the carpet. FML

Today, I awoke to find a giant turd on my carpet, cat hair everywhere in my room, and a big hole in my window screen. I don’t own a cat. FML

Today, right after wrapping a birthday present for a friend in several layers of duct tape in an attempt to be funny, I noticed I had left the price tag on it. FML

Today, my next door neighbor told me that he liked the carpet in my bedroom. I live alone. He’s never been in my bedroom. FML

Today, I made a very pretty sunflower cake that I woke up incredibly early to make. It took me hours and alot of money. It was for my grandparents anniversary and my whole family was invited. We only got to see the remains because the waiter gave it to the wrong family, and they ate it. FML

Today, I discovered my 18 year old son has been peeing on the carpet when he is too lazy to get out of bed in the morning and blaming it on the cat. FML