Posts Tagged ‘cell’

Today, I woke up in a panic to what sounded like a plane about to crash into my house. I was so scared, I peed myself and passed out. It was just my cell phone vibrating under my pillow. FML

Today, I saw a car swerving in front of me on the freeway, so I whipped out my cell to report the DUI. As soon as it started ringing, I see police lights in my rear view and got slapped with a ticket for using a cell phone while driving. After explaining why, the officer said, “Nice try.” FML

Today, while trying on an outfit in the dressing room at the mall, I got locked in. I decided to take 5 minutes to try and get out by crawling under the door. After I got out, I realized I left my cell phone, my purse and my pants inside. FML

Today, at a diner, I dropped my cell phone, right under the table. Before I had a chance to reach for it, some fat smelly old man with half his hairy belly hanging out of his shirt dived under the the table to “get it for me.” I was wearing a skirt and he demanded a thank you. FML

Today, while driving, I got a call on my cell phone. Trying to be safe and avoid an accident, I pulled into the nearest parking lot before answering. While I was turning in to park, someone rear-ended me. FML

Today, I went over to my boyfriend’s house to break up with him. After I left his house, I realized that my cell phone had fallen out of my pocket and onto his couch, where I had forgotten it. FML

Today, I had one of those “Honk if you like _____” bumper stickers. I was texting on my cell phone when I heard some honking. I was thinking how fun the bumper sticker was, when I realized I was going the wrong way on a one way street. FML

Today, my mom told me to go between the mattresses of her bed and give my sister back her cell phone that she’d confiscated. I found the phone, but only after I found all my mom’s pleasuring devices. FML

Today, my boyfriend was in the middle of fingering me. A few minutes after he had been rubbing my clitoris, I was about to finishing climaxing, he stopped and said “Hmm, your girl part feels like the scroll ball on my cell phone.” He was serious. FML

Today, my daughter unplugged the refrigerator to charge her cell phone. There was a lot of expensive catered food in there for a party at my office for tomorrow. It’s all spoiled. I guess I’ll be ordering pizza then. FML

Today, my boyfriend was talking to me on the land line when his cell phone rang. He told me to wait “two seconds” while he talked to a classmate. Their “two second” conversation lasted ten minutes, and now I can hear the French Open on the TV in background. He forgot he was talking to me. FML

Today, my cell phone died, and my power went out. I was expecting a phone call about getting a job. Two hours later the power came on and I saw I had one missed call. They told me I didn’t get the job because I was too unprofessional to pick up my phone. FML

Today, I let my friend borrow my cell phone. He logged onto my facebook application and posted a status saying, “I think I might be gay.” When I found out, it was full of a bunch of comments including one from my former high school teacher saying, “I’m not surprised.” FML

Today, my boyfriend of 3 months and I were in the middle of a heavy make-out session when his cell rang. Normally, he’d ignore it. This time however he pushed me off of him and said “Shit! It’s probably my girlfriend!” I thought I was his girlfriend. FML

Today, I got my cell phone bill. I pay for 700 minutes per month. I used 9 last month. FML