Posts Tagged ‘coffee’

Today, I was pulled over by a cop. He asked for my license and registration so I reached for my center console. I was then greeted with a gun to my ear because my coffee cup supposedly looked like a gun. I stepped out of my car to apologize and I was hit with a big stick. FML

Today, I was sitting at my desk at work when one of my co-workers offered me a cup of coffee. Coming forward with the steaming cup, he didn’t see the legs of the chair I was sitting on, tripped, and spilled the coffee on me, my desk, and the computer. FML

Today, I was having a bad day at work. Then, on my coffee break, a little boy walked up to me and told me I was the prettiest girl he’d ever seen. I’m a boy. FML

Today, I went to the park and sat down on a bench to enjoy my coffee. I heard a few young girls behind me talking about how their first experience of sex was. I turned around to see how old these girls really were. One of them was my daughter. FML

Today, I treated myself to a cheeseburger. I left it on my coffee table while I grabbed a napkin from the kitchen. While I was gone my dog ate it. Then puked it up all over my carpet. Which I then had to clean up. FML

Today, at the coffee shop where I work, my supervisor smelled “something weird, like sulfur.” I spent the next ten minutes pretending to look for the source of the smell with her, rather than admit that it had come from me. FML

Today, my boyfriend said he would like to pour coffee in my vagina and then have him lick me out. I can’t tell if he’s joking or not. FML

Today, I was in a cafe when I desperately needed to fart. The music was really loud, so I timed my gas with the beat of the music. After the song, I started to feel better. I finished my coffee, and noticed that everybody was staring at me. Then, I remembered that I was listening to my iPod. FML

Today, my store got a new carpet put in for the waiting room. I tripped on the ‘watch your step’ sign I put down and spilt my coffee all over the new carpet. FML

Today, my room-mate came out of the bathroom, tossed a Playboy on the coffee table, threw away a used condom, dug his hand into my bag of Doritos, and washed his hands. In that order. FML

Today, I was sitting on my friend’s couch and began playing with a cool looking toy on the coffee table. I pushed a button and heard a loud ‘POP’ and a scream. I look over to see my friend, the couch, the wall and curtains covered in a red gel. I now know what a mace gun looks like. FML

Today, I got home from work and found a paper bag full of condoms. I also stepped on a pile of used condoms on the floor, and I found a bottle of lotion on the coffee table. I am single and no one else lives in my apartment. I think I need to move. FML

Today, I was walking with a friend after buying two cups of steaming hot coffee. While crossing the busiest street in town I tripped and fell, spilling the coffee all over me. My friend didn’t notice I fell right in front of her and tripped over me spilling her coffee on me as well. FML

Today, I was out on a date with a guy. I leaned down to get something out of my bag and hit my head on some protruding concrete. I said I was fine. Then blood came running down my face. FML

Today, I was sitting on the wooden edge of my coffee table watching my sister’s boyfriend play Halo 2, when I leaned back to stretch and shattered the center pane of glass in the table. I now have a large gash in my ass. FML