Today, I was in a cafe when I desperately needed to fart. The music was really loud, so I timed my gas with the beat of the music. After the song, I started to feel better. I finished my coffee, and noticed that everybody was staring at me. Then, I remembered that I was listening to my iPod. FML
Today, my store got a new carpet put in for the waiting room. I tripped on the ‘watch your step’ sign I put down and spilt my coffee all over the new carpet. FML
Today, my room-mate came out of the bathroom, tossed a Playboy on the coffee table, threw away a used condom, dug his hand into my bag of Doritos, and washed his hands. In that order. FML
Today, I was sitting on my friend’s couch and began playing with a cool looking toy on the coffee table. I pushed a button and heard a loud ‘POP’ and a scream. I look over to see my friend, the couch, the wall and curtains covered in a red gel. I now know what a mace gun looks like. FML
Today, I got home from work and found a paper bag full of condoms. I also stepped on a pile of used condoms on the floor, and I found a bottle of lotion on the coffee table. I am single and no one else lives in my apartment. I think I need to move. FML
Today, I was walking with a friend after buying two cups of steaming hot coffee. While crossing the busiest street in town I tripped and fell, spilling the coffee all over me. My friend didn’t notice I fell right in front of her and tripped over me spilling her coffee on me as well. FML
Today, I was out on a date with a guy. I leaned down to get something out of my bag and hit my head on some protruding concrete. I said I was fine. Then blood came running down my face. FML
Today, I was sitting on the wooden edge of my coffee table watching my sister’s boyfriend play Halo 2, when I leaned back to stretch and shattered the center pane of glass in the table. I now have a large gash in my ass. FML
Today, I was working with the kid I babysit for. We were out and he complained that he was hungry. I spent my very last $2 on chicken nuggets for him and a coffee for myself. Just as I sat down, he knocked over my coffee, spilling it into his chicken nuggets. Then he cried for over an hour. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I had our parents over to our new apartment for the first time. We spent hours cleaning, cooking, and making sure everything was “parent-appropriate.” Apparently we didn’t notice the S&M catalog in the pile on our coffee table… but his mom sure did. FML