Posts Tagged ‘couch’

Today, my husband and I woke up to see my drunk mother passed out on our couch. She was just wearing socks. FML

Today, I came home from work, only to find the babysitter passed out on the couch with a bottle of Jack Daniel’s. At some point, it seems my son had taken the liberty of peeing on her while she slept. FML

Today, my girlfriend of 1 month came over and told me she wanted to talk to me. We sat down on the couch and she told me she was pregnant and that it was mine. I reminded her that we’ve never slept together. FML

Today, I cooked my kids spaghetti for lunch, and called our neighbor who babysits for me all the time, to come over and watch them while I went to get groceries. I came home to the babysitter asleep on the couch, and spaghetti and sauce all over my dining room walls. FML

Today, my dog started barking very aggressively. Thinking she’d started another gruesome fight with my older dog, I jumped up from the couch, spilling my coffee all over my laptop and dress, and knocked over a vase my grandmother gave me. She was barking at her own shadow. FML

Today, my fiancé and I were cuddling on the couch watching TV when we started kissing. As I crawled onto his lap and started to unzip his pants, he said, “You’re blocking the TV.” FML

Today, one of my cats peed all over the back of my couch, so I put her outside for a while. When I let her in, she ran straight to the couch and peed on my laptop. This has been going on ever since I accidentally stepped on her tail, several months ago. FML

Today, I broke my arm. When I got home from the doctors with my cast, I fell asleep on the couch from the medicine. When I woke up, there were swastikas, “I love the KKK”, and multiple penises written all over my cast. My dad thought it would be funny. FML

Today, my wife got her second kidney stone in a month. I gave her some pills to help with the pain. An hour later she started hallucinating, pulled down her pants and tried to pee on our couch. FML

Today, I was on the couch, about to make out with the guy I’ve been dating. As soon as our lips touched, my overprotective dog ran up and bit him. He bled. FML

Today, while having sex on the couch with my “single” neighbor, a beam in the couch broke. Not even slightly fazed, she said, “It’s okay, my husband can fix it.” Husband? FML

Today, I reached in between the couch cushions to see if my iPod had slipped in there. I didn’t find my iPod, but I did find an old utility knife blade. With my fingers. FML

Today, my husband impulsively bought a used leather couch from our friend. After spending the entire evening rearranging furniture according to his “genius” ideas, we have concluded that there’s absolutely no way it will fit in our apartment. FML

Today, my dog used my stomach as a trampoline to jump onto the couch. I wouldn’t have minded so much if I wasn’t still recovering from having my appendix removed. FML

Today, I wanted to go clubbing with my friends. I started drinking at home to save on the price of drinks, instead I fell asleep on my couch. FML