Posts Tagged ‘daughter’

Today, my daughter’s bed broke. Trying to see the damage, I lay down on her floor to get a closer look. I saw mountains of condom boxes under there. Now I know why the bed broke. FML

Today, I walked in on my daughter attempting to iron her pants with a hair straightener. She’s 17. FML

Today, my husband informed me that he has been purposefully finishing before me in bed as a form of punishment for beating him at Mario Kart. FML

Today, I looked through my daughter’s things, because she’s been acting very strangely as of late. What I read in her diary disgusted me almost as much as it shocked. Apparently, she has some kind of plot to break up Justin Bieber’s relationship and become his new girlfriend. FML

Today, I discovered that my daughter refuses to eat, but not because she’s anorexic. Apparently, her health class has learned about the digestive system and now she refuses to “take part in something so gross.” FML

Today, my brother and I were shoveling mulch. He pushes me in and then runs away, laughing hysterically. I was stuck in the mulch, and no one would help. I was literally in deep shit. FML

Today, I found out that I can get my girlfriend to make more sex noises by massaging her back than I can by actually having sex with her. FML

Today, I was in the car with my daughter, when I narrowly missed hitting a car after running a stop sign. After she screamed at me and demanded to know what I was doing, I had to admit that I’d been daydreaming about David Bowie. FML

Today, my dad came to pick me up. It would have been nicer if he’d had his clothes on. FML

Today, while packing my luggage from vacation I thought I saw a penny drop into my bag. After looking everywhere I couldn’t find it. Now that I am home I found out that I had mistaken a cockroach for a penny. I now have a family of cockroaches living in my luggage. FML

Today, I had to get stitches on my foot and was then forced to wear a plastic bag on my foot while showering. The plastic bag made me slip in the shower and had to go back and get stitches in my forehead. FML

Today, my daughter told me that when she dies, she’d like her ashes spread on her laptop. FML

Today, I was Skyping with this kid, when his girlfriend started arguing with him. They do this every other week, and there was a bet on when they’d finally break up. I egged the guy on and told him not to take her shit. She ended up dumping him. Now I feel like an asshole, and all for a lousy $20. FML

Today, I found out that my partner thinks love is more meaningful than sex, so it’s okay to stick his penis in someone else. FML

Today, i walked in on my daughter trying to blow-dry the sweat off of her armpits instead of showering. FML