Posts Tagged ‘daughter’

Today, my roommate did his laundry. Unfortunately, he didn’t check his pockets before he washed them. There’s now sticky, melted gum all over the washer and I’m left to clean it up. FML

Today, my family had dinner with my future in-laws for the first time. After a bottle of wine to herself, my mother loudly insisted that I’m out of her will. Apparently, I “molest towels” and leave them to “fester for days” in my “den of depravity”. I’m sure they’ll give me their daughter now. FML

Today, an intoxicated homeless man tried to chase me out of a McDonald’s because he thought I was President Obama. I’m a 26-year-old white woman. FML

Today, after having a naked wrestle with my boyfriend, I discovered he’d left a skidmark on my stomach. FML

Today, as I was pulling into my driveway, I hit my fence. The same fence that I had repaired last week because I had run into it. FML

Today, while I was peacefully sleeping, I felt a hand suddenly slap my forehead. Then I fingers began to press against my mouth, then nose, then eyes. I finally woke up to my girlfriend laughing hysterically. She’d confused me with her clock-radio. FML

Today, I dove head-first underneath my garage door, narrowly missing both the sensor and the closing door, executing a perfect roll, and popping back up onto my feet unscathed. My smugness went through the floor as I remembered I’d left my keys back in the house. FML

Today, my toaster scared me. Again. FML

Today, my therapist told me, “I’m sorry, but I’m not qualified to handle your level of instability.” FML

Today, my grandmother introduced me to her friends as her 16-year-old granddaughter “who has never been kissed.” FML

Today, my girlfriend hated the idea of sex so much she was willing to give me money for a stripper. FML

Today, my daughter brought her new boyfriend over for dinner. I realize now why she said we would get along great: we graduated high school together. FML

Today, I was so bored that I began searching for videos of people popping their pimples. FML

Today, I tried to open the door with my mouth because my hands were full. I chipped a tooth. I now have to explain this to the dentist. FML

Today, we found out where our daughter had been hiding her crayons. We also found out why our stereo stopped working. FML