FML Today » daughter

Anonymous says FML

admin — Sat, 28 Jan 2012 01:28:23 +0000

Today, my roommate did his laundry. Unfortunately, he didn’t check his pockets before he washed them. There’s now sticky, melted gum all over the washer and I’m left to clean it up. FML

The Towel Molester says FML

admin — Thu, 26 Jan 2012 20:21:50 +0000

Today, my family had dinner with my future in-laws for the first time. After a bottle of wine to herself, my mother loudly insisted that I’m out of her will. Apparently, I “molest towels” and leave them to “fester for days” in my “den of depravity”. I’m sure they’ll give me their daughter now. FML

Anonymous says FML

admin — Tue, 24 Jan 2012 07:48:02 +0000

Today, an intoxicated homeless man tried to chase me out of a McDonald’s because he thought I was President Obama. I’m a 26-year-old white woman. FML

Crashburn says FML

admin — Mon, 16 Jan 2012 17:19:55 +0000

Today, after having a naked wrestle with my boyfriend, I discovered he’d left a skidmark on my stomach. FML

Rebecca says FML

admin — Mon, 16 Jan 2012 08:02:48 +0000

Today, as I was pulling into my driveway, I hit my fence. The same fence that I had repaired last week because I had run into it. FML

Vitriol says FML

admin — Sun, 15 Jan 2012 22:54:50 +0000

Today, while I was peacefully sleeping, I felt a hand suddenly slap my forehead. Then I fingers began to press against my mouth, then nose, then eyes. I finally woke up to my girlfriend laughing hysterically. She’d confused me with her clock-radio. FML

Anonymous says FML

admin — Sat, 14 Jan 2012 05:48:06 +0000

Today, I dove head-first underneath my garage door, narrowly missing both the sensor and the closing door, executing a perfect roll, and popping back up onto my feet unscathed. My smugness went through the floor as I remembered I’d left my keys back in the house. FML

Anonymous says FML

admin — Thu, 12 Jan 2012 19:34:19 +0000

Today, my toaster scared me. Again. FML

Ixi_the_pixie says FML

admin — Fri, 06 Jan 2012 19:27:32 +0000

Today, my therapist told me, “I’m sorry, but I’m not qualified to handle your level of instability.” FML

cheese123 says FML

admin — Tue, 03 Jan 2012 11:03:04 +0000

Today, my grandmother introduced me to her friends as her 16-year-old granddaughter “who has never been kissed.” FML

Cpt Colin says FML

admin — Tue, 03 Jan 2012 11:02:53 +0000

Today, my girlfriend hated the idea of sex so much she was willing to give me money for a stripper. FML

Anonymous says FML

admin — Tue, 03 Jan 2012 08:37:23 +0000

Today, my daughter brought her new boyfriend over for dinner. I realize now why she said we would get along great: we graduated high school together. FML

nolife says FML

admin — Thu, 29 Dec 2011 15:17:02 +0000

Today, I was so bored that I began searching for videos of people popping their pimples. FML

dumbbb says FML

admin — Tue, 27 Dec 2011 15:43:31 +0000

Today, I tried to open the door with my mouth because my hands were full. I chipped a tooth. I now have to explain this to the dentist. FML

Peter says FML

admin — Tue, 27 Dec 2011 08:56:01 +0000

Today, we found out where our daughter had been hiding her crayons. We also found out why our stereo stopped working. FML

Jbs4lf says FML

admin — Tue, 27 Dec 2011 08:55:54 +0000

Today, I got punched in the face by a drunk because I couldn’t give him any cigarettes. I don’t smoke. FML

Anonymous says FML

admin — Mon, 26 Dec 2011 00:52:20 +0000

Today, I couldn’t find my phone. Worried that I’d accidentally thrown it in the trash, I emptied out all the bins and searched the garbage. An hour later, my daughter said she’d found it by the bathroom sink. FML

DocBastard says FML

admin — Sat, 17 Dec 2011 06:29:48 +0000

Today, after rocking my one-year old daughter for nearly two hours, she finally fell asleep. As I went to leave her room, I stubbed my toe. I now have a broken toe, a screaming child, and a wife who will be so proud that her daughter’s first word is “FUCK!” FML

nakedness says FML

admin — Sun, 11 Dec 2011 09:21:20 +0000

Today, I was getting dressed in my bedroom with the blinds open and had nothing covering my top half. I thought my neighbours wouldn’t be able to see in through all the trees, that was until I heard someone wolf whistle and one of my neighbours running away. FML

childdreamkiller says FML

admin — Thu, 08 Dec 2011 21:41:30 +0000

Today, I took my daughter to see Santa at the mall. The line was full with kids and when I went to pick up my daughter from Santa’s lap, my watch got snagged on his beard, pulling it off in front of my daughter and about twenty kids in line. My daughter still isn’t speaking to me. FML