Today, I saw my co-worker sneeze into his palm, get up, walk to my desk and smear his hand all over my computer mouse. He then went back to his desk and continued with his work. Last week we had a workplace awareness meeting about my OCD and fear of germs. FML
Today, I took a final for my law class. As I was taking the test, I noticed the girl on my left copying off me. I wrote all the wrong answers on my sheet while writing the correct answers on my desk hoping she would copy the wrong answers down. I forgot to write the correct answers on my test. FML
Today, as a means of getting over my abusive ex, I decided to write his name on a piece of paper and light it on fire. As I lit the paper up, I noticed the marker ink had bled through it. The paper is gone, but his name is forever engraved on my desk. FML
Today, I had a really hot substitute teacher for College Psych. While in class, I dropped my favorite pen. When I bent over to get it, I noticed my teacher was wearing a skirt, but no panties. I stood up too quickly, slammed my head on top of the desk, and laid on my back for two minutes with a boner. FML
Today, I started my dream job that I have been working towards for the last 10 years. I was shown to my desk to find my ex-husband and the woman he left me for on either side of me. They’re planning their wedding. FML
Today, while sitting at my desk at work, a co-worker asked for my help. It was only after I had walked over to his desk, bent over, answered his question, and walked back to my stall, that I felt a breeze. My tube top had slid down across my breasts, revealing my bra to the entire office. FML
Today, at work, I had an upset stomach, and I couldn’t leave early, so I chewed a couple of Tums. A co-worker decided to sneak into my office to scare me. Causing me to inhale the partially chewed Tums, in turn causing me to cough, then to vomit all over my desk and computer. FML
Today, I had a huge job interview. Things were going great until I had a bout of uncontrollable sneezes. I accidentally knocked over a vase of flowers sitting on top of the man’s desk. Everything on his desk, including important documents and his Blackberry, was ruined. FML
Today, while looking up info on my future college, my mom came in my room and accused me of wasting all my time in front of the computer. I had just trimmed and mowed the lawn, vacuumed the house, and cleaned the bathroom. She took my laptop, then sat down at her desk and browsed YouTube on it. FML
Today, after sitting for hours at my desk, my legs fell asleep. When I got up to go to the bathroom on my break, I couldn’t walk properly and leaned against things so I wouldn’t fall over. My supervisor then came over and started lecturing me about being drunk at work. FML
Today, I was having a quickie with my girlfriend. Unbeknownst to us, we were so aggressive that we shifted the bed across my slippery hardwood floor, rammed into my desk, and knocked over my brand new computer monitor. Undoubtedly, the most expensive quickie I’ve ever had. FML
Today, I was so desperate to use my vibrator that I spent 30 minutes fiddling with various batteries I dug up from the bottom of my desk drawer. Now I’m grumpy, haven’t gotten off, and my mouth tastes funny from testing the batteries with my tongue. FML
Today, while at my boyfriend’s house, I was using his computer. I noticed something strange kept touching my thigh, so I looked under the desk to see what it was. In horror, I saw there was a bunch of old boogers. When I told him about it, all he said was, “Oh yeah, that’s my collection.” FML
Today, my mom walked into my room and saw an empty condom wrapper on my desk. She put it back down and said “Nice try”. FML
Today, a lady I work with put little printed pics of a bird around my desk. The bird is a swallow. She wants to suck me off, but I’ve been married to my now-non-sexual wife for years, and have been faithful. FML