Today, I started work at a library. An hour in, a woman asked me to recommend an author for her young son. I picked out my favourite children’s book because the writer is ‘good at like, er, writing’. I have a degree in English Literature. FML
Today, in Spanish class, I was supposed to give a presentation all in Spanish. Trying to save time, I wrote it in English, then used a translator to change it. When I was giving my presentation today, my professor stopped me. Apparently, I translated it wrong, because I was reading it in German. FML
Today, after spending the past hour writing an essay on why I should have an English writing course waived, I realized I sent the email with grammatical errors. FML
Today, I substituted for a 7th grade English class. During a test, a student came up to me, said he didn’t feel good, and wanted to go to the nurse. I told him that it would be rude to go now and to just wait a little while. He then projectile vomited on my new clothes. FML
Today, during a book discussion led by a guest from college, I was called on to answer a question. Having had one hour of sleep and little time to think my answer through, my reply was lame. Guest’s response: “You’re not going to be an English major, are you?” Actually, I intend to be. FML
Today, after years of thinking I was weird for never being attracted to anyone, I realized that for the first time in my life I actually have a crush on someone. That ‘someone’ is my English teacher. He is 60. I am 18. FML
Today, I got rear-ended. In possibly the scariest part of downtown. At night. By a man who spoke hardly any English but managed to ask if I would go out dancing with him instead of calling my insurance company. FML
Today, I had just finished writing an essay for English. I was proud of it and thought it was one of my best works. I decided to show it to my mom, who is an English major. She read it, turned to me and said, “You know, if you actually want to go to UCLA, you’re going to need to actually try.” FML
Today, I was at the mall, I saw a girl crying that her ice cream had fallen on the floor. Feeling generous, I bought her a new one. She threw it on the ground, laughed, and came over to her mom and told that I was bothering her, so the mom called security. FML
Today, my boyfriend tried to be romantic by dipping me backwards and kissing me. He dropped me on my butt and stepped on my hand while trying to help me up. FML
Today I was having a really bad day and told my friend at lunch about how stressed I was and he gave me his brownie to cheer me up. After school, he texted me “Did the weed kick in?” Yes, it did, right in the middle of my English presentation. FML
Today, I decided to go get my hair cut because it was getting a bit long. I told the lady that I wanted it way short and she replied “Why? You will look like a guy sweetie.” I am a guy. FML
Today I was riding on the Moscow metro. My friend and I were joking around in English about taking a nap on the nerdy business man next to me. As we laugh and made sexual comments about him that we thought he couldn’t understand, he asks me “First time in Moscow?” FML
Today, I was teaching my English class. They are a class of 9th graders. I couldnt explain something so I said, “I’ll just give it to you orally, it will be better for both of us,” and the entire class begins to laugh. I had to get one of my students to tell me what it meant. FML