Today, my fiancée and I had a fight because he wouldn’t let me get what I wanted to eat, even though it was my money. He said, “It’s way too many calories. I’m supposed to help you lose weight.” When I pointed out that I had given up a month ago, he looked at me and said, “Yeah, I can tell.” FML
Today, I walked in on my roommate having a smoke in the shower, even though we live in a strictly non-smoking apartment. He said it was okay because “steam mixed with smoke cancels out the harshness of it”. FML
Today, while my mom was out, I took the car out to CVS to get some food, even though I’m not legally allowed to drive. As soon as I got back in the car, my mom pulled up 2 parking spaces away from me. She didn’t notice me when I bent down to hide- until I accidentally hit the horn in the process. FML
Today, I realized that even though I’ve taken three years of Spanish, the only words and phrases I can remember are from Dora the Explorer. FML
Today, I arranged rose petals on our bed saying “I love you.” When my boyfriend got home from work, even though candles were burning enough to see clearly, he asks “what the hell IS this mess?!” and made me clear it up. Needless to say, I didn’t get any. It’s been months. FML
Today, I thought it would be funny to put some streamers on my bike handles, even though I knew they would probably be stolen fairly quickly. I went into a restaurant to eat, and when I came out both my wheels were gone, but at least the streamers were still there. FML
Today, I got up for work at five in the morning. I leaned in to give my wife a goodbye kiss on the forehead, even though she was still asleep. Apparently I startled her because she reacted by punching me and giving me a bloody nose. FML
Today, I woke up with a rash around my mouth that looks like herpes. Turns out my orthodontist used latex gloves on me, even though there is a note on the screen that specifically says that I am allergic to latex. FML
Today, my manager had me making fries at work, even though I mentioned the heat was too much. I ended up blacking out as I was putting down baskets of fries, so not only did I hit my head on the floor, I have second degree burns on my arms. FML
Today, I actually seriously considered labelling myself ‘in a relationship’ on Facebook, even though I haven’t been since ’92, so I can hide just how desperate I am. FML
Today, I used the large bottle of oil on the counter to cook fries. I was so hungry that even though they tasted funny I ate them all. My mom later asked me if I knew what happened to all the liquid lamp oil she just bought. Poison control says I’ll probably have severe diarrhea for several days. FML
Today, I had to come in to work even though I felt sick. My boss thought it’d be funny to pop out from around a corner and startle me, even though he knew I was sick. He made me clean up the vomit that my queasy body expelled from being startled. FML
Today, I found out who the father of my sister’s 4 year old son is. My husband of 7 years. FML
Today, I got pulled over for going 85mph in a 60mph zone on a highway in the Everglades. There were cars passing both the cop and me as I was being pulled over. The cop decided I was easiest to catch since I was the slowest of the bunch even though the other cars were topping 100mph. FML
Today, I stored my wallet inside the employee lockers at work thinking it would be safe due to the cameras. Turns out, someone stole $40 from my wallet but we can’t convict her because the cameras can’t show she actually took it even though it shows her going through the locker I had it in. FML