Posts Tagged ‘eyes’

Today, I was sitting with my crush at lunch. Trying to flirt, I tried to stare seductively into his eyes while sucking on my straw. I missed. The straw shoots straight up my nose and I had the worst nose bleed of my life. FML

Today, my boyfriend and I went on a picnic. After we finished eating he laid down, closed his eyes, and put his head in my lap. At the exact second that I bent down to kiss him, he jumped up to get the Frisbee. We both have bloody noses. FML

Today, while driving to work, my eyes started watering, causing my eye makeup to run down my face. Even after wiping off as much as I could, I ended up walking into work looking like The Crow. FML

Today, I stopped in front of a lady and asked her directions. She pulled out pepper spray, sprayed me in the eyes and kneed me in the stomach. She then spat on me and called the police. FML

Today, I got into a wreck thanks to a big flashing sign on the highway that said “Keep your eyes on the road” that distracted me. FML

Today, with water in my eyes, I stepped out of the shower and rubbed my face with a towel. When I looked in the mirror, I realized there had been a giant spider on the towel. Its guts and legs were smeared all over my face. FML

Today, I was at Aéropostale with some friends when I noticed a woman glaring at me. When we got to the checkout, the woman still had her eyes on me, so I asked why she was staring. She snapped, “If you had kept your legs closed, you wouldn’t be pregnant.” I’m not pregnant. FML

Today, I informed my grandparents of my upcoming graduation from college. My grandma looked at me with tears in her eyes, and told me how proud she was that I was able to make it so far in spite of being autistic. I am not or ever have been autistic. FML

Today, I was naked on top of my boyfriend looking lovingly into his eyes. He then started to use my boobs as punching bags while singing “Eye of the Tiger”. FML

Today, I was discipling one of my students for behavior, and he started to roll his eyes every time I was trying to teach the lesson. So I threatened to write him up. After looking closely at the student, I realized he has a lazy roaming eye. FML

Today, I was watching a movie. The ending was sad and I started bawling my eyes out. My boyfriend sitting beside me kept looking back and forth between me and the TV, so I asked what he was doing. He replied with, ‘I don’t know which one is better to watch.’ FML

Today, I went to a zoo that had a gorilla in a cage. I walked up, and the gorilla stopped what he was doing, looked me in the eyes, and started jacking off. FML

Today, I was taking a shower when I got soap in my eyes. I grabbed a washcloth by the sink and rubbed it in my eye. It had been soaking in bleach. FML

Today, while driving at work, the fire extinguisher under my seat went off filling the cab with fire suppressing powder. My boots are yellow, my eyes still burn and I can’t get that nasty taste out of my mouth. FML

Today, I was walking with my boyfriend when my legs started to hurt. He offered me a piggyback ride, but I declined because I think I’m kind of heavy. He looked into my eyes and said, “Aaw, baby, you’re not fat at all – fat girls have boobs.” FML