Posts Tagged ‘family’

Today, I wanted to shower but the sliding glass door had jammed. Naked, I tried to gently push it back into its groove. Instead, it shattered to a million pieces, showering me with shards and cutting my hands and feet. FML

Today, I came home to the nanny passed out on the couch from too much alcohol, my 2-year-old alone and locked in the bathroom, and my house in a complete wreck. To top it off, it’s the day my mother in law, who hates me, is coming to visit from New York. FML

Today, I arrived at the pizza place I work at to find that I’d been fired. Apparently, the class stoner came in last night and not only demanded a free pizza, but also claimed that I always gave him one. I’ve never talked to this kid in my life, but my boss still doesn’t believe me. FML

Today, I realized the closest thing I’ve had to an intimate relationship with a female is the one I have with my cat. Even then, she ignores me. FML

Today, my family had dinner with my future in-laws for the first time. After a bottle of wine to herself, my mother loudly insisted that I’m out of her will. Apparently, I “molest towels” and leave them to “fester for days” in my “den of depravity”. I’m sure they’ll give me their daughter now. FML

Today, I was walking to the bus stop when someone slapped an innocent person in the face with a fish. I was that innocent person. FML

Today, while spending the night at a friend’s house, I was woken up by someone kicking me. I figured she was having a nightmare, and since we were sharing a bed, I reached over to wake her up. Turns out it was her boyfriend trying to push me off the bed because they were having sex. FML

Today, during swimming in PE, I kept noticing a stinging feeling on my scrotum. Every time I jumped into the water I would feel a sharp stab. After the full hour of hell, I went to the bathroom and looked in my new trunks. The designer had left their sewing needle in the crotch netting. FML

Today, my family and I were burning our Christmas tree. For a laugh, my dad jokingly pushed me toward the fire. I tripped, and my doctor says the burns are probably going to scar. FML

Today, my future mother in law started shit-talking me on Facebook, and we got into a heated argument. She called me later in the day, saying I’ll be lucky if I ever marry her son and that, “You’ll suffer to your last breath.” I’m now terrified to set foot outside. FML

Today, my mother-in-law moved into my wife’s two-bedroom apartment. She’s quite possibly the reincarnation of Hitler himself, and she’ll be staying until this time next year. No one else in the family wants to house her, because it would mean having to deal with her constant bullshit. FML

Today, my parents want me to become a lawyer, all because our family members keep getting into feuds and court cases. I’m a successful developer, and run my own company. FML

Today, I received numerous text messages from my parents asking where I was and how worried they are. I was in my room, they didn’t even notice me walk in. FML

Today, my mother thought it would be a good idea to tell me that I was conceived on an airplane toilet. FML

Today, after months of dating, I asked my boyfriend if he wanted to take things to the next level. He told me that he couldn’t have sex with me because of his religious beliefs. I would’ve been fine with this if I weren’t for the fact I know he and his family are all atheists. FML