Posts Tagged ‘father’

Today, it was my boyfriend’s parents’ anniversary so I thought I’d do something to impress them. I made them chocolate-covered strawberries. But for some reason they gave me really dirty looks when they saw it. Turns out his mother is allergic to strawberries and his father is allergic to chocolate. FML

Today, my long lost father came to visit me. He got drunk then tried to hit me. My neighbor called the police, and as soon as they turned up, my father yelled, “Help! This man tried to stab me!” The sad part is, they believed him. FML

Today, I Googled my father, who I haven’t seen in 3 years. The first website link was his obituary. When I confronted my mom about it, she said, “Oh, didn’t I tell you?” and walked off. FML

Today, while having dinner, my boyfriend decided to tell everyone about our sex life. It wouldnt have been too bad except my father was sitting right next to me. My boyfriends excuse was that he wanted to make my dad laugh. He isn’t laughing. FML

Today, my mother found out that I’m sexually active. She wants me to tell my father. I’m seventeen, and my father still has trouble grasping the fact that I carry a purse, because it means I’m “growing up.” This should be fun. FML

Today, I told my father I registered for the Marines, and that I’m leaving for bootcamp next week. He asked if this means that he doesn’t have to pay child support anymore. FML

Today, I was at a water park with my family. While on the 100ft slide, my father decided it would be a great idea to pants me. I slipped and went down the 100ft slide naked for everyone to see. FML

Today, I discovered my mother wiped my bank account clean because I moved to my father’s place. There goes the $3,500 I saved up for my next car. FML

Today, while I was at work, I heard one of my employees laughing on the phone. I told him to shut up and get back to work. Turns out he was actually crying because his father had just died. FML

Today, I found out my father has a mistress. My mother didn’t get mad. She said she cheated on him more than enough 22 years ago. I am 23. FML