Posts Tagged ‘father’

Today, my father was telling me that one of the benefits about his job was that the family could get discounts, then asked if I’d like some. My dad’s a plastic surgeon. FML

Today, after spending 6 months and $15,000 on lawyer fees at my 13 year old son’s request, his abusive, alcoholic father no longer has any legal right to see him. How did my son repay me? He ran away to live with his father the very first time I told him he couldn’t have friends sleep over. FML

Today, my father-in-law told my husband that I’m sleeping with his best friend. I’m not. My husband laughed and said, “Have you seen my wife? No one else will take her.” FML

Today, I opened my Father’s Day present from my mother in law. It was a glamor shot of her. FML

Today, I was almost done getting ready for a really big date, when I heard my dad call for help from outside. I rushed downstairs and out the door, only to be ambushed and showered by my father with the garden hose. FML

Today, my father decided to “prepare” me for the real world by telling me that I’m ugly. FML

 Today, I got my beautiful daughter ready to be a flower girl for the first time. A flower girl in the wedding of her father, my ex-husband, to the women he cheated on me with. FML

Today, I realized I have to teach my father about relationships and dating. Recently divorced after 30 years of marriage, he’s trying to get dates and doesn’t know some rules. For example: discussing your anal fissure with your pharmacist/lady prospect is, for some reason, a no-no. FML

Today, someone asked my wife if I was her father. FML

Today, I gave birth to a beautiful baby girl. My husband, the father of the baby, got a birdie on the golf course at the exact same time. FML

Today, I woke up to a strange sound that sounded like a lot of water being poured into a sink. It was actually my father in law using the bathtub as a toilet. He’s staying with us, and is showing no signs of leaving any time soon. He thinks this is acceptable behavior. FML

Today, I was robbed. They took my father’s ashes. FML

Today, my father who left my family over 10 years ago and never contacted us or paid child support, poked me on facebook. FML

Today, I told my best friend that I was pregnant and that I really needed her support. Shocked, she asked me who the father was. She then called me a backstabbing whore and stormed off. Apparently she is jealous that I had sex with a boy who turned her down a year ago. FML

Today, I was talking to my girlfriend on the phone. The subject of abuse came up and I told her that if her father ever hurt her I would cut his dick off. The next thing I hear is, “Don’t say shit you can’t back up!” Her father had picked up the phone the moment I’d said it. FML