Posts Tagged ‘few-minutes’

Today, my bike abruptly stop working, torpedoing me headfirst into the sidewalk. I lay there in agony for a few minutes, and the only guy who saw it happen said, “Lucky you didn’t get hurt!” FML

Today, my boyfriend was making out with me. He put his hand down my pants and started to finger me. After a few minutes he said, “You’re hard to get wet.” I guess he didn’t know his fingers were up my ass. FML

Today, at work, a customer went to try on a pair of pants. A few minutes later, she hurriedly returned and put the pants back on the shelf without saying anything. I later found out she’d come down with a bout of diarrhea and apparently didn’t want to pay for the dry-cleaning. Glamorous. FML

Today, I was listening to my iPod on the bus when a cute guy sat next to me. After a few minutes, I realized he looked sick. I took an earphone out and asked what was wrong. Then I farted. He said “You’ve been doing that ever since I got on the bus.” FML

Today, I saw a guy offering free hugs. I felt sorry for him because everyone was giving him mean looks, so I hugged him. After few minutes, I realized he’d stolen my wallet. FML

Today, I got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding. When he saw I had something in my pocket, he began to ask if it was a weapon. After arguing for a few minutes I was put in handcuffs. I was too embarrassed to pull the tampon out my pocket. FML

Today, after band practice was over, I called my dad to come pick me up. After a few minutes, one of the cute guys in my class asked if I needed a ride home. I declined, saying my dad was going to be here any minute. After everyone had left, it began to rain. My dad showed up an hour later. FML

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend. She happily said yes. After a few minutes of kissing, she said, “Wait, does this mean we have to live together?” FML

Today, my boyfriend was in the middle of fingering me. A few minutes after he had been rubbing my clitoris, I was about to finishing climaxing, he stopped and said “Hmm, your girl part feels like the scroll ball on my cell phone.” He was serious. FML

Today, I parked in a faculty/staff zone. There was nothing else available. It was 2 am and a Sunday; no faculty or staff are on campus at those hours. Plus there were 5 other spots available anyway. I was only gone a few minutes, surely no cop would be so audacious or absurd as to ticket me. Wrong. $50. FML

Today, I was sitting in a slightly obscured field next to a lake with my boyfriend. We started having sex, thinking the trees would give us some cover. But after a few minutes we heard cheering, so we stopped and looked towards the lake to see a group of about fifteen people watching us and egging us on. FML

Today, I helped a customer find a pair of jeans. I gave her the ones she wanted and she went to try them on in the fitting room. A few minutes later, a co-worker brought back the jeans she had tried on. I said, “S**t! The bitch didn’t take them!” She was standing right next to me. FML

Today, I got on an empty tram and decided to sit at the back. A few minutes in I start to hear a noise and thinking it was the tram, decided to ignore it. When I heard what sounded like an evil giggle, I looked around to see that it wasn’t the tram, but it was some creepy middle aged man taking photos of me. FML

Today, I was eating pizza with my girlfriend. She got sauce on the corner of her mouth so I tried to be sexy and lick it off. It wasn’t sauce, it was a cluster of zits. FML

Today, I realized that my husband has a video games addiction. I am currently pregnant; he brought us to the same country he’s in so we can finally live together, only for me to witness him being glued to his laptop all day and all night playing WoW. He’s forgotten I even existed. FML