Posts Tagged ‘first-time’

Today, I got dressed up for the first time in days to go have sushi with a friend. When I walked out to my car, I noticed that the passenger window was shattered and the car robbed. What’s worse is I’d forgotten to lock the side doors anyway. FML

Today, I heard the four most dreaded words known to man during my first time having sex. ‘Is it in yet?’ It was. FML

Today, my son and I attended my mother’s funeral. It was the first time he’d been to such an event, so to ease his grief and distract him, I turned on Max and Ruby when we got home. He quickly broke into tears; apparently, it was the episode where Max and Ruby prepare their grandma a special birthday gift. FML

Today, it was opening night for the play where I was, for the first time ever, one of the leads. I went on stage with a loud and energetic entrance. I came in two scenes early. FML

Today, I met my boyfriend’s exacting grandfather for the first time. I shook his hand and said, “Nice to meet you, sir.” He turned to my boyfriend and commented, “She said ‘sir’. You’ve trained her well.” FML

Today, my dad called for the first time in six months. He needs someone to bail him out of jail. FML

Today, my boyfriend brought me home flowers and candy for the first time in our 1 year relationship. Thinking he was going to finally propose, I got excited. I asked why he was being so sweet, and he responded with, “I thought you’d take the breakup better this way.” FML

Today, I was on an airplane, riding in first class for the first time in my life. The man next to me turned to me just before takeoff, stared at my chest, and said that he hoped there would be severe turbulence. FML

Today, my dad took me out driving for the first time since I got my permit. I was doing pretty good until he reached over and turned the wheel to “simulate a distracted driver.” The car ended up going into a ditch, and he’s making me pay for the repairs because I wasn’t careful enough. FML

Today, is my 21st birthday. I was having a party and went to buy alcohol for the first time ever. Expecting to get carded, I had my ID out. The cashier looked at me and said “We only need to see ID if you look under 35.” FML

Today, I tried to open the research paper I’ve been working on for the past month, only to discover that the entire file is permanently lost and can’t be recovered. This is not the first time this has happened to this paper. FML

Today, my girlfriend wanted to touch my penis, so I let her. It was her first time touching a penis, but instead of it being sexy, she starts poking it, saying “Wow! It’s so fascinating!” as it got hard. FML

Today, I tried giving myself a bikini wax for the first time, and I’m pretty sure I didn’t do it right. Now I’m laying on my couch with a wet rag and ice inbetween my legs. FML

Today, I had planned a special date for me and my boyfriend. I wanted the first time we have sex to be magical. To him, magical was playing WOW and trying to do me at the same time. FML

Today, I was playing my guitar and singing on the street corner. I did earn money, but the first time I did was when some guy threw a quarter out of his car window for me. It hit me in the face. I now have a circle shaped bruise under my eye. FML