Today, my dad took me out driving for the first time since I got my permit. I was doing pretty good until he reached over and turned the wheel to “simulate a distracted driver.” The car ended up going into a ditch, and he’s making me pay for the repairs because I wasn’t careful enough. FML
Today, is my 21st birthday. I was having a party and went to buy alcohol for the first time ever. Expecting to get carded, I had my ID out. The cashier looked at me and said “We only need to see ID if you look under 35.” FML
Today, I tried to open the research paper I’ve been working on for the past month, only to discover that the entire file is permanently lost and can’t be recovered. This is not the first time this has happened to this paper. FML
Today, my girlfriend wanted to touch my penis, so I let her. It was her first time touching a penis, but instead of it being sexy, she starts poking it, saying “Wow! It’s so fascinating!” as it got hard. FML
Today, I tried giving myself a bikini wax for the first time, and I’m pretty sure I didn’t do it right. Now I’m laying on my couch with a wet rag and ice inbetween my legs. FML
Today, I had planned a special date for me and my boyfriend. I wanted the first time we have sex to be magical. To him, magical was playing WOW and trying to do me at the same time. FML
Today, I was playing my guitar and singing on the street corner. I did earn money, but the first time I did was when some guy threw a quarter out of his car window for me. It hit me in the face. I now have a circle shaped bruise under my eye. FML
Today, my husband and I had sex for the first time because we pledged we wouldn’t have sex until we were married. He’s terrible. FML
Today, my wife and I had sex for the first time in a month. It lasted 2 minutes. Afterwards, she said “Ugh. This is why we only have sex once a month.” I lasted only 2 minutes because we only have sex once a month. FML
Today, I went Vegas for the first time and won $1000 on the slot machine. I decided to stop and go back to the room to tell my husband about my luck. Then he told me I’m supposed to get a ticket print out from the machine. Somebody else got lucky and took my ticket. FML