Posts Tagged ‘five-year’

Today, my five year old niece decided to wake me up by shoving blasting earphones in my ears. Five hours later I can still hear Justin Bieber shrieking Baby. FML

Today, I told my five year old daughter that no, she could not have ice cream for breakfast. She retaliated by pooping in the living room and smearing it on the walls. My in-laws, whom I’ve been trying to impress for ages, are visiting today. FML

Today, my five year old son decided to move all my stuffed animals I have around the house, into sex positions and massive orgies. What have I been teaching my son lately? FML

Today, my five year old son was sick with a stomach bug. He didn’t want to leave my side so I decided to grab a bowl from the kitchen for him to puke into. The thing is, it was dark in the kitchen and I accidentally grabbed a strainer. My new outfit is now ruined. FML

Today, I came home from work to find my five year old daughter drawing unicorns on the wall. The same wall that I had to repaint last week because it had puppies on it. FML

Today, I was working as a camp counselor helping a five year old girl. I heard her mumble, “My grandpa is getting married on Saturday.” I enthusiastically replied and told her how exciting that was! Only after did I realize that she said ‘buried’. FML

Today, my five year old cousin woke me by jumping on top of me. This wouldn’t be a problem if she hadn’t jumped directly onto my chest and a line of 45 stitches, only two days old. FML

Today, I went shopping with my son. When I passed by the alarm gates, they rang. It came to my attention that my five year old son stuck an anti-theft device in his pants. Security thinks I tried to have him shoplift for me. FML

Today, a woman cursed me out, called me a perverted freak, and said I should be ashamed of myself for trying to buy a prostitute because I had asked her “How much for one night?.” She works in a toy shop, I was with my five year old daughter, and was pointing to the sign, “Rent A Helium Tank!” FML

Today, I found out I will not be getting my class ring. The jeweler has a policy against doing engravings that contain “obscene or offensive language or phrases”. What obscene phrase did I want? My initials and year. W.T.F. 2010. FML

Today, I found out I have a pending lawsuit from a guy who tried to break into my liquor store. The brick he threw at my window to get in bounced off and hit him in the head rendering him unconcious. He is suffering from a concussion and wanting ME to pay HIS medical bills. Ass. FML

Today, I woke up to my five year old son picking off the scabs from his chicken pox and dropping them into my open mouth as I slept. FML

Today, I was in an unfamiliar building on campus and I needed to use the bathroom before class started. I walked in and saw a man at the sink. I said “Oh my god I’m sorry! I thought this was the women’s washroom.” It was. The very butch looking woman gave me a look of death. FML