Posts Tagged ‘fml’

Today, I got a parking ticket while standing beside my car. FML

Today, I arranged rose petals on our bed saying “I love you.” When my boyfriend got home from work, even though candles were burning enough to see clearly, he asks “what the hell IS this mess?!” and made me clear it up. Needless to say, I didn’t get any. It’s been months. FML

Today, I saw a lady holding the cutest, chubbiest baby so I tried to sneak a picture. At the very moment I took the picture, she caught me and asked me what I was doing. I said I wanted her baby. She didn’t take that too well. FML

Today, I had to apply medicine to my friend’s spider bites, located on her ass crack. FML

Today, I was at a museum on a tour, when a lady with a huge purse knocked over a display. I tried to catch it, but it was heavy and I couldn’t get hold of it. The tour guide blamed me in front of the whole group, and the lady didn’t speak up. I’m not allowed there anymore. FML

Today, I celebrated my birthday. My mom invited a bunch of my relatives over, and they started telling funny stories of when I was a kid. My mom decided that then was an appropriate time to talk about how she caught me looking at porn the other night. FML

Today, I had to teach my mother what a period actually is. When I told her that it was the routine shedding of the uterine walls and not the liquid from “two cups inside of you that slowly fill up and then drain 28 days later”, she became teary-eyed and now she won’t talk to me. FML

Today, I decided I didn’t need to use a cup when I play baseball, because I never get hit there. My coach tried to warn me, but I assured him it was fine. When I was pitcher, the batter swung, and the ball hit me right in the happy sacks. I am now bruised where no man ever should be. FML

Today, I found my car spray-painted with the words “Fuck you Kevin” on the hood. My name is Andrew. FML

Today, my girlfriend and I were making love when I turn to find my brother standing at the door watching. Later I asked him how much he saw, he said “I saw from the part where you were both taking off your clothes to the part where she started screaming”. He had also told my mum. FML