Posts Tagged ‘fml’

Today, I was having lunch at McDonald’s when I dropped a French fry down my shirt. It stuck out the top of my bra. Before I had the chance to remove it, a creepy man picked it out and ate it saying that it was the best French fry he had ever eaten. FML

Today, my fiancé has decided to become my cat’s personal trainer. This includes talking to the cat, attempting to motivate him to run up and down the stairs and telling the cat to call him “Coach Daddy”. I now have a crazy fiancé and a very angry cat. FML

Today, some guy hit my car and then threatened to sue me for “parking my car in such a way that it was impossible not to hit it.” My car was in the driveway. FML

Today, I texted my wife saying “I miss you so much. I wish you were her.” I’m on a business trip. I couldn’t hit cancel in time. FML

Today, I showed off my new tattoo to my friends. Too bad it says “Walk Earless” now instead of “Walk Fearless.” That’s right, I’m now supporting Van Gogh. FML

Today, was the 5th night I’ve dreamed of brushing my teeth. I wake up about 3 times a night because as I spit in my dream, I actually spit on my face as I’m sleeping. FML

Today, I learned that my “cash back rewards” for credit card purchases are mailed with the monthly statement. The same monthly statement that goes straight into the shredder or fireplace because I prefer to do my banking online. FML

Today, after a 12 week dry spell followed by an 8 week one, I decided to take a bit more initiative at seducing my girlfriend. Not only was she “not in the mood” again, but she offered me Trident Layers gum instead. She apparently thought that it was a fair trade. FML

Today, my husband and I worked together on a very difficult yard project. Afterwards, I thanked him and offered him a special treat. He was disappointed to find I meant sex, not cookies. FML

Today, I tried to inconspicuously hock a loogie. It went down my bra. FML

Today, I got an early Valentine’s day card. My boyfriend and I recently broke up, and my hopes shot up thinking it might be from him. It wasn’t. It was from my parents. FML

Today, the man of my dreams kissed me. It was everything I had imagined it would be until in the middle of the kiss, he burped. FML

Today, at around 2am, I was walking through a parking lot to my car when a man walking behind me told me not to be scared. I turned around to tell him there was no problem. He was naked. FML

Today, my mom friended all my friends on Facebook then thought it’d be a good idea to try and act like a teen so she’d be considered ‘cool’. FML

Today, I realised my girlfriend only has sex with me to make me exercise. FML