Posts Tagged ‘friend’

Today, my friend decided to jump out of a moving car. I had to explain to the nice old lady who stopped that my friend who was convulsing on the ground wasn’t on drugs, he’s just really stupid. FML

Today, my friend’s dad had a heart attack. Without realizing what I was saying, I texted her, “If you need anything, you know I’ll be there in a heartbeat.” FML

Today, my friend me out an online money transfer. After forgetting my password and locking myself out of my account, I had to phone the bank up and have it reset. I had to answer the security question, which was “What, what?” I had to say “In the butt.” to get my money. FML

Today, I overheard my girlfriend telling her friend “Actually, its a good thing she died, she was quite a bitch”. She was talking about my mother. FML

Today, I was spending the night in a hotel room with my friend and her mom. I was really tired and was about to yawn. My yawn sounded sexual and my friend’s mom now thinks I played with myself. FML

Today, I went to hand in a job application, and the supervisor wanted to ask me a few questions. I was nervous so I kept touching the fabric on a nearby display table. Only after I left did my friend tell me it was a pantie display, and that I was fondling underwear. FML

Today, I turned in an essay after staying up late to work on it. I was away when the teacher assigned it, so I’d asked my friend what the subject was. It transpires that she’d given me the wrong one, all because she was mad at me for not returning her pencil. FML

Today, I was waiting for the bus with my friend. I noticed a man sitting on the garden ledge behind the bench as we walked up. I turned around to look at my friend and noticed the man’s happy sacks happily dangling out of his neon booty shorts. FML

Today, I blacked out going up a roller coaster. Instead of helping me, my friend took pictures of my face and posted them on Facebook. FML

Today, I playfully nudged my friend on the shoulder. She countered by shoving me head-first into a trash can. FML

Today, my date asked if I could drive his friend home before we went out for breakfast. His friend had blonde hair big boobs and wore a skimpy black dress. He wasn’t 100% sure of her name. I guess I drove home my date’s one night stand. FML

Today, while I was trying to explain to my friend how smoking weed everyday doesn’t make you stupid, I forgot what I was talking about mid-sentence. FML

Today, my friend finally decided on what colour to dye her hair: the colour of her congealed period blood. I can’t believe I’m friends with her. FML

Today, I asked my friend to stop texting me, because I’m on a limited plan and didn’t want to go over my limit. She responded by getting a group of her friends to text bomb me. I got well over a hundred one-word texts. FML

Today, I celebrated my birthday with a few friends at home. As I bent down over my cake, my friend pushed my face it. The baker should have told me she put in a stick to support the cake. FML