Posts Tagged ‘friends’

Today, my fiancé has decided to become my cat’s personal trainer. This includes talking to the cat, attempting to motivate him to run up and down the stairs and telling the cat to call him “Coach Daddy”. I now have a crazy fiancé and a very angry cat. FML

Today, was the 5th night I’ve dreamed of brushing my teeth. I wake up about 3 times a night because as I spit in my dream, I actually spit on my face as I’m sleeping. FML

Today, my mom friended all my friends on Facebook then thought it’d be a good idea to try and act like a teen so she’d be considered ‘cool’. FML

Today, I realised my girlfriend only has sex with me to make me exercise. FML

Today, I finally made the last payment on the beautiful engagement ring I bought and proposed with – two years ago. To my ex-girlfriend, who said no and promptly started sleeping with one of my friends. FML

Today, my wife and I were getting intimate for the first in in several months. Then we heard our son yelling from the other room needing my help. He needed me to scratch his foot because the cat was on his lap and he couldn’t reach it. FML

Today, I was looking through my boyfriend’s Facebook photos, when I saw a recent comment by one of his friends asking how his night out with “Danielle” went. He replied: “Dude, keep that shit on the down-low.” We’ve been dating for over a year. FML

Today, I had to Google how to find the area of a circle. I’m working on my PhD in engineering. FML

Today, I went to get my blood drawn to see how far along I am pregnant. The lady stuck both my arms twice and then busted a vein in my right arm. She told me to come back tomorrow to try again. FML

Today, a cute girl was walking towards me. She held up her hand for a high five, so I also did the same. I hadn’t noticed her friend behind me, and was left hanging and embarrassed. FML

Today, my grandmother introduced me to her friends as her 16-year-old granddaughter “who has never been kissed.” FML

Today, my girlfriend hated the idea of sex so much she was willing to give me money for a stripper. FML

Today, I saw my dad sitting in the car alone, blaring classical music, blowing up beach balls. FML

Today, my boyfriend texted me and said I had forgotten my blue bra. I don’t have any blue bra. FML

Today, I went to the movies with my friends. All throughout, some guy kept making weird sounds and breathing deeply. Midway through the movie, he got even louder. Just as I was about to snap, chunks of vomit sprayed over my chair and shoulders. FML