Today, in an attempt to get some guidance from my college advisor, I emailed her, saying I was contemplating going to another school because I felt so helpless about my GPA, and was sure I wouldn’t get my major. I asked for advice on raising it. She gave me instructions on how to drop out. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I had great sex and afterward decided to take a shower together. He left the room to get some towels, so I went to the bathroom and wait. I walked out of his room wearing nothing but a thong and ran into his mom who had come home from work early. FML
Today, I had a small gathering of family and friends over to celebrate my son’s baptism. One of my friends happens to be a police officer. The entire event consisted of him arresting three of my family members. Don’t worry, he came back to get some cake. FML
Today, I decided to get some exercise for the first time in months. I went to the store and bought a brand new bicycle and all the necessary paraphernalia. I drove a half hour to a bike trail, unloaded the bike, and started riding. 10 feet later, the chain snapped. FML
Today, my husband asked me to get some cigarettes for him. I decided that paper and tobacco would be a cheaper solution. Later, he went to the store, and I asked him to get me tampons. He came home with a ball of string and cotton balls. FML
Today, I crawled into bed naked, wanting to get some and hoping to surprise my boyfriend who’s always complaining that I don’t sleep naked. When he finally got into bed he rolled over, touched my bare ass and said ‘oh’ then rolled back over and went to sleep. FML
Today, I woke up in bed after staying the night at my boyfriend’s for the first time. We’d had amazing sex that night, so I woke him up by telling him how much I had enjoyed it. He replied with, “Oh my God you snore like a man, let me get some fucking sleep.” FML
Today, while making out with my boyfriend of a month, he started rubbing my boobs. He told me that he wanted to get some action before he broke up with me. FML
Today, I wasn’t feeling too well and consequentially threw up. In an effort to get some sympathy, I told my mom about what happened. Rather than trying to make me feel better, she yells at me because I threw up in the bathroom sink “when the damn toilet is two feet away.” Thanks mom. FML
Today, I was violently ill due to the pain medicine I’m on for an injured wrist. My mother is out of town, so I woke my dad to tell him and maybe get some help, or even a hug, but no. I was forced to clean up my own puke with one hand, and I had to be quiet so I didn’t wake up my dad. FML
Today, my boyfriend came over so we could spend some time together since we only see each other on the weekend. Expecting to get some loving, instead he laid in my bed and went on the Internet, saying “I’m glad I finally got some quality time with you.” FML
Today, my boyfriend of 1 year and 3 months broke up with me. The reason he broke up with me is because I wrote on facebook that I was excited to finally have a job and get some money. Since I didn’t write anything about him in my status he believes I care more about money than him. FML
Today, I had a big meeting. Half way through my presentation, I sneezed, and continued talking. I get some weird looks from my co-worker but I didn’t understand what he meant. When I finished, I passed by my boss walking to my chair, he gave me a handkerchief. Why ? Snot was all over my tie. FML
Today, I found out that the girl I broke up with 6 months ago just had a baby. I’m one of 3 possible fathers. FML
Today, I decided to go on a diet. Why? Apparently my fat rolls jiggle when I brush my teeth. FML