Posts Tagged ‘girlfriend’

Today, I got stuck in a revolving door. FML

Today, my girlfriend started a month-long period of not talking to me. One of her male friends, who is a self-styled astrologist, told her there are “bad omens” in our relationship for the coming weeks. I don’t know if I should dump her for being gullible or just plain stupid. FML

Today, I was accepted into a police academy. I called my girlfriend of 2 years, who was supportive through the process. She promptly broke up with me, stating, “You’ll be really busy in the academy, and I can’t marry a police officer. Its a dangerous job.” And then called me selfish for “doing this to us.” FML

Today, trying to be romantic, I invited my girlfriend over to watch a movie. I said she could pick one up on the way, and I’d pay for it later. I ended up having to suffer through some “movie” that involved nothing but Nicolas Cage gurning like a stroke victim between crappy fight scenes. FML

Today, I found out the guy that my girlfriend introduced as her brother was actually her boyfriend. I also paid for him to come out with us to the movies several times. FML

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me with a message that I had to pay $1 to see. FML

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because of my ridiculous haircut. This ridiculous haircut is the same one she’s been urging me to get. Oh and she’s my barber. FML

Today, my girlfriend’s Marine dad walked in on us fooling around naked. Now we can only hang out with “parental supervision”. Oh, and I have to record my visits on a clipboard by the door. FML

Today, while working at a pizza place with my girlfriend, I called my boss to tell him we were short on sausage. Under her breath I heard my girlfriend say, “sounds like somebody I know.” FML

Today, my girlfriend dumped me because I have never read any of the Harry Potter books. FML

Today, while driving to my girlfriend’s house, I passed up a stop sign without stopping. A car passing by honked. I honked back several times and flipped them the finger. Turns out it was my girlfriend’s dad trying to say hi. FML

Today, I was fingering my girlfriend. While she was moaning, I whispered in her ear, “Do you like that?” She then stopped instantly and replied, “Nope. This is terrible.” FML

Today, my girlfriend hated the idea of sex so much she was willing to give me money for a stripper. FML

Today, my girlfriend decided to raid my games collection and try her hand at The Dark Descent. Two hours later, despite my best attempts to make her stop shrieking like a dying crackhead every two minutes, two cops showed up at the door with our neighbors in tow. FML

Today, I found out my girlfriend starts random fights with me over text because apparently, when I’m arguing with someone, I stop speaking in “annoying shorthand” and am grammatically correct. FML