Posts Tagged ‘glasses’

Today, while taking a dump in a public washroom, my iPhone slipped out of my pocket and into the toilet. looking down into the toilet to see where it had gone, my glasses fell down in with it. FML

Today, I accidentally forgot my glasses in a store bathroom. When I finally noticed, I went back to find that someone was wearing them as he was walking out of the store. I didn’t have the balls to call him out on it. FML

Today, I went to see the “Cirque du Soleil” at the Albert Hall. It was amazing, apparently. Of course I wouldn’t know, because I left my glasses at the hotel, and was sitting at the very back row. FML

Today, I took my kids to the doctor. In the waiting room, a six year old boy walked up to me, punched me in the crotch, and ran away with my glasses. When the kid’s parents made him give me my glasses back, he spat on them. FML

Today, I managed to multitask too much at work. I turned around, adjusted my glasses, swept hair out of my face, and blinked. In the process I walked into my manager, causing me to simultaneously punch myself in the mouth. FML

Today, I was working at the Soup Kitchen handing out special christmas dinners to the homeless. At the end of the day I collected my things and went home. It was only then I discovered that my wallet, phone, pager and (for some reason) my glasses has been stolen. FML

Today, from my girlfriend of five years, I got my clothes back, my engagment ring and a card that says, “Merry Christmas! It’s me not you.” FML

Today, a spider crawled across my glasses’ lens. My first reaction was to smack myself in the face. FML

Today, I found that my Facebook account had been hacked, and all my friends were deleted. As I tried to add them all back, Facebook reported me as a hacker for adding too many people too quickly. FML

Today, my ex told me she still misses having sex with me. Her next text was “but it’s still over.” FML

Today, I was reading in my bed, and my cat was laying on my chest. I noticed something white on my cat’s leg. I’m farsighted and wasn’t wearing my glasses, so I didn’t see what it was. I touched it and put on my glasses. Turns out it was a worm hanging out of my cat’s anus. It started wiggling. FML

Today, I was walking in the park when I was hit on the shin by a red ball. I was confused, until it was followed by an enormous German Shepherd dog going at top speed. FML

Today, I went home early from a business trip to find my house covered with rose petals. Thinking it was a romantic notion from my boyfriend, I went up to the bedroom. I opened the door to find him lying there, getting it on with my sister. FML

Today, as I was walking home late at night, some asshole threw a lit cigarette butt out of their balcony. It fell between my glasses and my eye and left a burn mark on my cheek. FML

Today, my dad was supposed to come see me for our twice-a-year visit. He was 3 hours late. So I called, and asked him why he was late – he said ‘Oh, something came up’. I asked him what was so important. Apparently, the garage needed cleaning. FML