Posts Tagged ‘grandmother’

Today, I attended my extended family’s Christmas dinner. All throughout, my grandmother kept complaining about how the food tasted like crap, and making sexual remarks such as how “the stuffings were far better in my day, if you know what I mean.” FML

Today, there was no toilet paper left, so I asked my grandmother if I could use her Kleenex tissues. I found out too late that they were Vicks vapor rub tissues. My crotch has been burning for the last half hour. FML

Today, without telling me, my mother dropped me off at my grandmother’s house, and drove off. Now I’m supposed to spend the next month with her. Guess my mom forgot my grandma died six weeks ago. FML

Today, my grandmother sat me down and gave me a talk about the importance of personal hygiene. According to her, it’s important that I shower twice a day, because “Fat people tend to have a most curious smell about them.” FML

Today, I updated my facebook status to, “Party at my house this Friday. Like my status if you want to come.” After about 3 hours I checked back to discover that the only person who’d liked my status was my grandma. FML

Today, I had to be the one to break it to my daughter that WWE fighting was staged. She began crying. However, last month she didn’t shed a single tear at her grandmother’s funeral. FML

Today, my grandmother’s graduation presents came for my sisters. Not only did she remember to send them cards, but money too. My graduation was a year ago, I received nothing, and last time she saw me, she didn’t know my name. FML

Today, my grandmother’s excuse for not going to my college graduation was because she’d already bought her bingo card. FML

Today, my dog started barking very aggressively. Thinking she’d started another gruesome fight with my older dog, I jumped up from the couch, spilling my coffee all over my laptop and dress, and knocked over a vase my grandmother gave me. She was barking at her own shadow. FML

Today, while on MSN, I received a touchy-feely message from an unknown sender. Thinking it was my friends playing a prank on me, I replied, “WHO DA F*CK IS THIS?!” Let’s just say I won’t be looking my grandmother in the eye again for a while. FML

Today, my boyfriend and I spent 30 minutes listening to my grandmother telling us that my cat is a medium. My boyfriend is totally convinced. FML

Today, my grandmother drunk dialed me at midnight to wish me a happy new year. I was already in bed. My grandmother has a better social life than I do. FML

Today, my grandmother told me to say “sofa king retarded” really fast. Not only did it take me several attempts to figure out what it meant, I’m now grounded by my mother for having a foul mouth. FML

Today, I had to confiscate dildos from my grandmother. FML

Today, my husband and I held a garage sale. I later found out my husband sold the urn that contains my grandmother’s ashes. FML