Today, after 8 months of going steady with my girlfriend, she broke down into tears and sobbed about why I didn’t care enough to visit her once in a while. The last time I went to her house resulted in her mother throwing a rampage and throwing a vase at me, earning me stitches. FML
Today, I was having dinner with my girlfriend and her family. During dinner, her mother told her that she should go to bed at 9pm because she is too young to stay up late. I laughed, thought it was a joke. She was completely serious. My girlfriend is 20. FML
Today, I found out why I had been getting odd looks from my daughter’s teacher for the past couple of months. I’m a lawyer. I told my daughter that I prosecute criminals. Turns out, she told her whole 3rd grade class that her mother was a prostitute. FML