Today, after 8 months of going steady with my girlfriend, she broke down into tears and sobbed about why I didn’t care enough to visit her once in a while. The last time I went to her house resulted in her mother throwing a rampage and throwing a vase at me, earning me stitches. FML
Today, I was helping a friend move. Before we arrived, he put his key on my key ring to keep it safe. When we got there, he promptly shoved my front door key into the lock and snapped it clean off. Not only can we not get into his house, but now I can’t get back into mine. FML
Today, I found out my dog has an abscessed anal gland. Not only does this mean she is constantly leaking a mix of dark anal matter and blood all over my house, but I also have to hold a compress on it three times a day and apply a cream to it. I was told it will take at least a month to heal. FML
Today, my 32 year old brother came to spend the weekend at my house. I woke up at 3am to him drunk and drawing pictures on my new carpet with his pee. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I were under the impression his house was empty. We were getting intimate, and being very loud about it. Afterwards, my boyfriend comes back up stairs from making a cup of tea, only to let me know his mother is sitting in the living room quietly reading a book. FML
Today, my boyfriend told me he left his phone at my house. After an hour of searching, I decided to call it. It rang, and I got to it first. The caller ID was a picture of me, but not my name. The person who called his phone was named dumb b*tch. FML
Today, my boyfriend came to my house drunk at 1 AM to meet my mom for the first time. Too bad he was knocked unconscious before she met him because she thought he was a burglar. FML
Today, I saw my son playing in the garden. Thinking I would be funny, I snuck outside with a bucket of water to soak him. When I rounded the corner of the house, I threw the bucket of water. I spent the next few hours in hospital as I soaked the neighbor’s dog which then attacked me. FML
Today, while looking up info on my future college, my mom came in my room and accused me of wasting all my time in front of the computer. I had just trimmed and mowed the lawn, vacuumed the house, and cleaned the bathroom. She took my laptop, then sat down at her desk and browsed YouTube on it. FML
Today, my new window cleaner came to clean the windows of my house. Seeing the first window of the top floor, he decided to start there. The first window of the top floor is my toilet. I was having a poo. FML