Posts Tagged ‘house’

Today, I came home to the nanny passed out on the couch from too much alcohol, my 2-year-old alone and locked in the bathroom, and my house in a complete wreck. To top it off, it’s the day my mother in law, who hates me, is coming to visit from New York. FML

Today, I discovered that when the man living in the house behind me thinks no one in the surrounding area is home, he likes to take his laundry off the line wearing nothing but a pair of sandals. FML

Today, I had to have a discussion with my 54 year old mother about showering. She thinks it’s perfectly OK to shower only once a week. FML

Today, I stopped by the drive-thru for a quick meal. When the worker handed me my bag of food and I reached out to grab it, he dropped it on the ground before it even touched my fingers. He then quickly shut the window and turned away. FML

Today, I watched The Omen with my father. Halfway through driving me back home, he stopped the car and made me get out right there in a rough part of town. Fifteen minutes later, he drove up beside me, laughed hysterically at how terrified I was, and told me to get in. FML

Today, a kid from school came to my house. He asked my dad if I was at home, because we were “planning a bit of the old, you know…” and made an obscene gesture. Now I’m grounded for a month, and no matter what I say, my dad won’t believe that I’ve never even spoken to the kid before. FML

Today, I found out my boyfriend has been cheating on me. In tears, I called my best friend and told him everything. He responded with one- or two-word answers throughout, but I felt better all the same. That is, until I heard him begin to take a loud piss half-way through my sentence. FML

Today, while looking in the mirror at my full-blown grease-spewing acne-riddled face, my father came up behind me and said, “Don’t worry son, I had acne like that when I was your age”. I replied, “No you didn’t”, and his immediate response while laughing was, “No, I didn’t.” FML

Today, I dove head-first underneath my garage door, narrowly missing both the sensor and the closing door, executing a perfect roll, and popping back up onto my feet unscathed. My smugness went through the floor as I remembered I’d left my keys back in the house. FML

Today, I sold my Xbox and Kinect to a guy. I forgot that sometimes I’d play Dance Central naked, and the Kinect would make videos. This guy now has videos of me, naked, badly dancing. FML

Today, I went to the gynecologist for the first time. I was so nervous that when she extended her hand to shake mine, I gave her my handbag instead. FML

Today, I was singing the National Anthem at a school game and totally forgot the words. So I kept singing the same two lines over and over. FML

Today, I received a string of blank texts from an unknown number. When I asked who it was, I got a list of every place I’ve been over the last three days. I’m scared to leave the house. FML

Today, I am 8 weeks pregnant. I have debilitating ‘morning sickness’ all day. And now I get to add peeing my pants every time I throw up. FML

Today, my mother told me that she would be home at 11 tonight and that she wants me in bed before then. At 11:30, the house phone went off. I tripped over numerous things, hurrying to reach the phone. It was my mom, calling to make sure I was in bed. FML