Posts Tagged ‘how-much’

Today, I was bored. Some people would’ve called up friends to hang out. Not me. I had the sudden urge to make an entire Excel Spreadsheet on how much I’ve spent on iTunes, month-by-month. I’m not sure what’s worse, that I got really into it, or that I’ve spent nearly $800.00 on iTunes. FML

Today, the girl I love made me text my best friend how much she loved him. This because her phone died. I was at the movies with her on our date. FML

Today, I came across an old man sitting on the pavement with a bottle of beer in one hand. He was crying. I thought I would be a good Samaritan and see if he was okay. After 15 minutes of hearing about how much his life sucked, he mugged me. FML

Today, I co-starred in a production of Hamlet. Halfway through play, the actor playing Hamlet forgot his lines, threw a raging temper tantrum, screaming about how much he hated the play and how he wanted to go home in front of hundreds of audience members. FML

Today, was my first day at a new job. I was really pleased with how much positive attention I was getting in a mainly male office. Guess whose shirt was see-through. FML

Today, I baked my boyfriend a cake for his last day at work. His colleagues had commented on how much they had enjoyed a previous cake of mine. When I finished, he took one look at the cake and told me there was no way he was taking ‘that thing’ to work. FML

Today, I put on makeup for a picture. My Facebook profile picture. That’s how much of a life I actually have. FML

Today, I was texting my boyfriend about yesterday, where he told me how much he loved me, and he wishes we lived closer. I asked him if he really meant it. Turns out he was drunk, and had no idea what he was talking about. FML

Today, my girlfriend and I were making love when I turn to find my brother standing at the door watching. Later I asked him how much he saw, he said “I saw from the part where you were both taking off your clothes to the part where she started screaming”. He had also told my mum. FML

Today, I woke up in bed after staying the night at my boyfriend’s for the first time. We’d had amazing sex that night, so I woke him up by telling him how much I had enjoyed it. He replied with, “Oh my God you snore like a man, let me get some fucking sleep.” FML

Today, I found out how much it hurts to be shot with a paintball in your open mouth. My mouth was only open to say I was hit. FML

Today, my boyfriend went to the pub after work again. When I told him how much I hate coming home to a cold, dark house, he told me to turn a light on in the morning before I go to work. FML

Today, my wife and I took our two-year-old to an amusement park. Twenty minutes after shelling out the big bucks for the ride bracelets, my kid starts crying inconsolably. I’m nominated to take him home. My wife is now calling me every twenty minutes to tell me how much fun she’s having while I clean up diarrhea. FML

Today, my boyfriend and I got into a fight, if that’s not bad enough, he decided to shit onto my carpet to “show me how much” I’m “worth.” FML

Today, my girlfriend told me that I think too much during sex. Now the only thing I can think about is how much I’m thinking too much. FML