Posts Tagged ‘how-much’

Today, I was watching T.V. I flicked the channel to a documentary on bad kids. They had an anonymous speaker talking about how much she hated her kids. I recognized the voice. It was my mom. FML

Today, a co-worker and I stepped into the bathroom at work while on a short break. After making a few obnoxious noises and jokes I told about how much our job sucked and how boring it was. A few seconds later, we hear a toilet flush, and our supervisor walks out of a stall. FML

Today, I realized my girlfriend has way more friends than I do. How did I realize this? She called me to tell me she was at the beach with her friends and how much fun she was having. I was playing WoW in my room, and my friends don’t answer my texts. FML

Today, I went to a party, and the girl I really like started telling me how much she likes me and how she thought we would be good together. I was so drunk I threw up on her. FML

Today, I was talking to an ex who I still love. He told me how much he wanted to see me, how much he missed me, and we started talking about when we could spend the day at his house. I mentioned Saturday, and he said, “I can’t, I have to take my fiancée to the doctor’s to find out our baby’s sex.” FML.

Today, my girlfriend of two years called me, drunk, telling me how much anal sex hurts with some other guy. FML

Today, I realised the only guy who is showing any slight interest in me is a Nazi-obsessed psychopath. He uses lovely pick up lines such as “Hey, do you know how much it hurts to staple your hand?” FML

Today, I found out the hard way that my girlfriend lied about being on the pill four months ago. FML

Today, when I logged onto facebook, I discovered a friend request from my ex who broke up with me and deleted me months ago. Upon adding her, I was taken to her profile where I saw dozens of status updates talking about how much she loves her new boyfriend, who she dumped me for. FML

Today, I was pondering the meaning of life – why I’m here, why anyone is here, why go on, and whether it’s worth it… Then it hit me. The football in the head, not the meaning of life. FML

Today, my little brother learned to write his name. How did he tell the family? By writing it in permanent marker all over my 100 year old piano. FML

Today, I learned just how much change a toddler can stuff in to a Nintendo Wii. I also learned that those things are put together with special screws. FML

Today, I was at a family party and everyone was seeing my new glasses for the first time. My 48 year old uncle told me that I look like a hot librarian and then grabbed my ass. He was still sober. FML

Today, my grandparents thought it would be acceptable to give me and my wife Christmas presents to take to my ex-wife, along with a card saying how much they missed her and to get in touch with them next time she is in town. FML

Today, my boyfriend wanted to tell me how much he loves me. He said a lot of wonderful things, such as not being able to live without me and hoping that I would want to live with him and marry him someday. He ended his loving speech with his ex-girlfriend’s name instead of mine. FML