Posts Tagged ‘know-how’

Today, I found cigarette butts at the bottom of the toaster. My mother has been dropping them in there for I don’t know how long. FML

Today, I gave a girl answers to a test. She said she would give me something pleasurable in return. She gave me a Twinkie, saying, “I know how much fat people love twinkies.” FML

Today, I was grocery shopping after work. As I was checking out, the cashier says, “Wow, you really know how to shop for your man!” My boyfriend is deployed in Afghanistan. All that food was for me. FML

Today, my friend asked me if I was okay. Having been kind of down lately, I thanked her for noticing and poured my heart out to her. She replied, “I didn’t mean that, I just heard about an accident and I know how you drive.” FML

Today, my dad threw my $300 dollar iTouch out the window. Apparently the alarm went off and he didn’t know how to turn it off. It was his solution. FML

Today, my boyfriend came over to meet my parents. My mom looked at him and said, “You know how I always say it’s what’s on the inside that counts?” I replied, “Yes.” She looked at him again, leaned in and whispered in my ear, “Don’t take my advice.” FML

Today, my entire family thinks I’m a lesbian. I’m straight. I’m embarrassed and don’t know how to tell them that I’ve been single for so long because I can’t get a guy. FML

Today, I woke up next to a woman nearly twice my age. I don’t know how to tell her it was drunken sex and not the beginning of a relationship. But I have to come up with something soon as I work with her Monday. FML

Today, a guy I’d been seeing off and on for the past three years broke things off over a Facebook message. I replied, and told him that I was at least worth a phone call. He replied “Well, I’m sorry, I disagree.” FML

Today, I was spooning with my wife when I said, “It’s cold tonight.” Previously when I used that line, my wife would respond by saying, “I know how to warm you up” and we would make love. Tonight, she said “I know how to warm you up” and farted on me. FML

Today, my friends let me win at strip poker so I wouldn’t take off my clothes. FML

Today, I had a job interview at the bowling alley. The manager was busy and asked if I could wait. Let’s just say I’ve never bowled before, and I wanted to know how deep the hole was on the bowling ball. The interview ended with him spitting on my finger, trying to get it out. FML

Today, my girlfriend broke up me with for being the “perfect boyfriend”. Apparently I’m the best boyfriend she’s ever had, and she didn’t know how to take it. So she dumped me. FML

Today, I woke up to a phone call from my boss’ wife. She demanded to know how long we’d been sleeping together. When I denied her allegations, she screamed that she knew all about my “history of sleeping with married men”. I’m a virgin and I have to work with him tomorrow. FML

Today, I started my first day as a security guard. After spending three years and $30,000 to become a commercial pilot, only to be told on my yearly medical that I suddenly have type 1 diabetes, and will never fly again. FML